I'm still here...

...despite rumors of my untimely demise, I am still alive and kicking. I am now working what some would call a menial job and I actually like it. I mean, it's not what one would call a "career" but it is a job and I can sit while doing it. I am an assembler for a local clamp company. I spend a lot of time thinking as I mindlessly put together components for various types of hose clamps. This was my first week and I already have worked overtime and impressed my boss-lady with my efficiency numbers. (Personally, I feel I can work much faster...and I will...once my blisters heal and my fingers decide to stop fumbling...) I have already purchased finger sleeves and sports tape for my fingers. I tried gloves, but they keep getting pinched in the parts. Now, if only I can keep my cuticles from getting shredded by the bands I am putting the bolts and trunnions into. Yes, there is a part called a "trunnion." Basically, it's a little part that the bolts slides through before the nuts get put on. I think it's such a funny little word. It makes me think of food and Star Trek. The word makes me think of Funyons-that yummy little fried snack that consists of salty nothingness with some onion flavor...and "The Trouble with Tribbles." ...which...I believe is the name of an episode of the original Star Trek series. Hubby would know, and I would ask, but he is happily snoring on the bed. One thing I wasn't prepared for was one result of the heat and work: leg cramps. I got a leg cramp so bad last night it woke me out of a dead sleep. Apparently  it's the result of my meds and dehydration...the med being a diuretic. Anyway, I am looking forward to another week of working. I just hope it doesn't interfere with my school stuff too badly...

Please excuse my absence...

I have been busy obtaining a job and doing school assignments. It is now Friday, and I am having things go well. My obsession has cooled quite a bit, and I have been focused on myself. I don't have much to say...I might post more later...

Okay now...

   I have been trying to come up with ways to make this blog more entertaining. I think I am going to have a weekly schedule to post things....for example...tarot Tuesdays...where I give advice on a card I have pulled for the day. Or have people write to me and I use the cards to give advice. I'd like to do more with memories....but it seems my brain doesn't recollect much right now. A trip to see Dad fixes that, though. A friend even suggested I talk about being bisexual, and then advertise on the "After Ellen" boards. I'm not as sure about that idea...but who knows? I mean, I am bi, but considering my experiences with women are limited, I don't really have much to say on the subject. I do plan on continuing with the 'tooning, it's just I have been really hitting a low point with my artwork. Maybe once I have some semblance of a life, I'd have more to say. I am going to try to post at least 2-3 times a week, if not once a day. Any feedback or suggestions will be considered and appreciated. I have been told that I have to stop taking some comments so personally, and kinda let them roll. I hope I can. Like I have said before, I think my funny fell out. I gotta go find it, now. Until next time....

RANT..Warning...I might get a little explicit....

Okay. Some people should just not procreate. Better yet, they should just not be allowed to have sex. Even better...they should have their junk....cut...OFF! Let me explain...
             I have this friend, and she is a sweetheart. She has a little girl from her marriage. Her ex-husband is constantly using his daughter to worm his way back in order to use my friend for pretty much everything. I just found out that he ditched his daughter to have dinner with a "friend" and her daughter. The day before, he ditched his daughter to run errands and walk a 14 year old neighbor girl to a store. HELLO!? Ok..a little more background here..I recently stumbled on some facebooking of his where he hits on a girl who is clearly underage. A friend of hers tells him to leave her alone and he gets all pissy with the friend saying that "Well I am not the one putting my goods out there for all to see..." Did I mention that this guy has spent time in jail for a sex offense? CUT OFF! Period. (The girl, btw...said she was deleting him...smart.) Personally, I refuse to let him near my daughter.
        Back onto the subject I started with...now, his daughter doesn't believe that her Daddy wants her around at all. Poor girl is gonna have some major issues later in life. Some people should NOT have kids. I mean, I may have made a mistake with who donated sperm for my daughter...(her biological father is in prison for sexual assault)but at least I made sure she never got attached to him..hell, she's never even MET him. She asked Hubby to be her daddy and he is a great father to her. She deserves that. So does my friend's daughter. This guy has always managed to piss me off, and I think this was just it for me. Now, normally, I give people the benefit of the doubt, and give them a chance to show their character before I form an opinion on someone. I have now known this friend's ex for about 4 years and he succeeds in confirming my opinion of him at every turn. I am just disgusted right now. Thanks for listening.

Bye bye bye ...Blue Bullet

                So, I was just combing through some of my old blogs, re-reading and trying to get back onto what I intended the blog to be, when I noticed that I never explained what happened to my car. I had my Buick until around June. Then, as we were pulling into the driveway after a visit to a friends’ house, the brake pedal hits the floor. I figure, no problem, I will get the brakes fixed. We get the car to the shop, and a day later, the shop calls and tells me that they can’t fix my car. Apparently, the driver's side rear axle bracket had disintegrated and caused the axle to fall, breaking the brake lines. I figure, just put another bracket on, right? Not so easy, as the frame that the bracket is fastened to is rusted through. Thus, the guy said it was unfixable. A week later, after managing to get the vehicle back home, I said good bye to my “Blue Bullet” and sold her for $350. I had $900 in the bank, and with that $350, I figured I would buy a beater cheap to drive. Then, Hubby’s truck went wonky. Considering Hubby was the “breadwinner” and looking for work, I decided I would use some of what I had left to fix Hubby’s truck. Little did I know that the repairs would cost $960. All said and done, Hubby wound up getting a job shortly thereafter and fixing his truck was the best option. I still miss my Buick, though, and hopefully will be able to get the funds together for a vehicle soon. So, that is the story of my vehicle’s demise. Well, a little add-on…When they went to strap the car down onto the flatbed, the other side’s bracket gave in and the entire rear end dropped. Hubby says to me, “Well, looks like we sold that just in time.”

I cried.

Like a baby.

I mean it, I bawled my ever-loving eyes out.

                My obsession has started to wane. I think this is because reality is setting in that this guy would take one look at me and probably run the other way. I mean, my picture is great, but it’s just of my face. I have to face it; I am not the “norm.” Not to mention, this week has been a total bust for the diet. Between parties, leftovers, and just overall being broke I have had little options left for me. I weighed myself when at my parents’ over the weekend and I have gone from 333 to 331lbs. It’s still a loss, but I was a little disheartened. On a brighter note, I have started each day anew, telling myself that “today, I will stick with it…” So far, I have done well today.

                I am now on my summer session for school. I have to go part-time, because BVR doesn’t pay for summer classes. So, I use the summer sessions to catch up on what I failed in the other sessions. Right now, I am retaking my “Advanced Life Drawing for Animation” class.  It’s only week one, but I am doing well, despite the fact I had the internet go all wonky on me yesterday, when I had an assignment due. It got better right around 1am-ish, so I was able to make the deadline.  I like this teacher. The last time I took this class, I told the teacher I had a hard time finding models. The teacher did nothing. This time, when I mentioned it, she gave me a link to an AWESOME website for art poses. (www.posemaniacs.com) Thanks to her, I am having an easier time and can focus more on the drawing and less on “How in Hell… AM I GONNA DRAW SOMEONE WHEN I HAVE NO MODEL!!!?” Yeah. I used mostly Caps. It was intentional. Deal with it; it is because I freak out.

                Pimpin’ my blog….I have noticed that I have reached over 1000 hits! YEAY! 

Random day...

I found myself pulling a stunt that my mom does. I was cooking yesterday, and wiped the stirring spoon with my fingers, licked my fingers, and did it again. I caught myself before putting the spoon back in to stir, however, and washed the spoon before continuing. I am turning into my mother. YIKES.
I went to a birthday party for a friend’s daughter. I was surrounded by a bunch of teens and twenty-somethings. I felt old, and then one of the guys says to me, “What you’re only twenty-five or six.” I could have kissed him right there, but I didn’t. It was sweet of him to say, but I told him my age. He seemed shocked. Either these kids are seriously not sure about ages, or really good actors. Anyway, I spent most of the time happily giving readings to the kids. (I read tarot cards, and I think I’m getting pretty good at it!) Most of these kids are on super-self-discovery kinds of paths, wrought with low self-esteem and angst. It’s weird, but I think I got to a couple of them. I hope I did, I’d like to think I make some kind of difference for them. Anyway, as I am super-broke, I gave Maddy one of my drawings as a gift. She and Joyce (her Mom) seemed really happy to see me. It warms my heart to see people happy to see me. It means that I mean something to them and as a result, I feel better and less awkward about being around a bunch of kids. I wish my daughter had been with me, she would have had fun. (But, I think she had more fun today at Cedar Point with Papa!)
I feel one of those weird headaches coming on. The ones where it hangs around the edges of notice, causing the occasional eye twitch. I think it is my sinuses. Anyway, I think I am gonna see about starting to have “tarot parties” where I give readings for 5-10 bucks a pop. If I had charged today, say 5 each, I would have had at least 30 – 40 bucks. I normally don’t charge. It’s a thought. At least until I can get into a job. I forgot to call the agency about that factory job….maybe tomorrow….I need a car…I feel pretty today…I don’t know why…I just do…

A little bit of this and that

http://youtu.be/vhG8zC4npsE

   I stumbled onto this video today, and it brought back a lot of memories for me. I LOVED the Dracula movie as I am an avid fan of anything vampire. The Twilight series is actually okay, but I think Edward is too whiny for my taste. Anyway, I loved this song in high school. I even remember taking the movie pictures from the book and drawing them. Sadly, I gave those drawings away and don't still have them. There is something about vampires that has always drawn me in. The Goth culture, too, but for some reason, as much as it calls to me, I seem to be standing on the edge of the outer court looking in. The classic love story, I think is what pulls me in. Imagine loving someone for centuries and finding them again...That kind of connection seems to elude most of us.   Most of my music choices are made because 1) I think someone in the group is hot, 2) I like the beat and can dance to it, 3) I can sing it and belt it and no one will beg me to be quiet, or 4) Something about the music, voice, and sound haunt my very soul and causes my creativity to stir. This song by Annie Lennox does that for me. I haven't heard the song in ages, and now I can feel my soul creating ideas and wanting to express them. I think I am going to add this song to my growing playlist of my life.
       I went to see the fireworks in BrookPark on Sunday. They were amazing. What's weird is, for the first time in a long time, I was sitting there and able to really think. As the beautiful colors sparkled and banged above me, I was able to think about how I really feel about Hubby, about what I want to do with my life, and even obsess a little about someone I might never have a chance with, but makes for good fantasies. All of this was able to come out because I was focused on the pretty colors. Both my feet fell asleep, and it took Jocy and Dad to get me off the ground. It was well worth it. I have new focus and now know where I am going.
      I also went to an interview/ signup for a staffing agency. The lady explained the job she was looking at for me and it sounds perfect. It's a sit-down job, 10 hours a day, Monday through Thursday with some overtime on Fridays. It's eight an hour and in Wadsworth, which means little gas will be used up. I am hoping to get it, as I feel a need to work and gain some independence. Wish me luck!
     I was also remembering back to high school. Somewhere, my parents have the tape from my senior year Spring Sing. I remember watching it a few years ago and wondering why I was in the front row. At that point, I was about 200 lbs, well on my way to DD cups, and the choreography involved swinging my arms and jumping from side to side. I am surprised I never wound up with bruises the way my boobs were swinging. I would give anything to be back at that weight and state of mind, though. Then again, back then I was severely depressed and thought high school sucked total donkey dick. My prom date was a blind date, and I only had one boyfriend throughout my school years. That only took up about 6 months out of the four years. Plus, I seem to have major GAYdar. If I want them....most likely... they are gay. <SIGH> Anyway, my posting frequency will slow down a little, as I have started up with school again.
I love you guys....you take the time to read about me and my craziness.

antisocial and facecrack

                I have been on a network the past couple of days, which apparently does not like blogspot. Anytime I have tried to view or update my blog, it has refused to load. This is endlessly frustrating for me. I have been trying to post at least once a day. Anyway, so I have been occupying myself with Facecrack, as this seems to be the only site other than Yahoo that wants to load on my parents’ network. I think it’s a conspiracy that only allows facecrack through so that we can melt our brains playing endless app games. I am guilty of this. I admit it. I am a facecrack addict. My drug of choice lately has been this game called Monster World. This game, like so many others, requires the planting and harvesting of various things. Due to my lack of friends/neighbors/clan/etc… in this game, it is going frustratingly slow, but, for some reason, I find myself returning to make more gummi treats or grow more spike balls. I continue to feed my monster helper, despite the fact that he eats my plants if I am gone too long. The really good plants, like the unicorn horn, take an unbearably long amount of time to grow, and so I have to supplement the good ones with the easy ones. The easy ones take such a short time to grow that I am afraid to leave the game because I want to harvest them. So, I keep the browser window open while I attempt to do other things. Most of the time, this includes doing the same things on other facecrack games. This, mind you, is to keep me from endlessly obsessing to see if certain people are online and if they want to talk to me. I am a social hermit, of sorts. I crave human attention and want to seek it out, but seemingly only from the comfort of my computer. I have been in my hometown for the weekend, and have succeeded in socializing with no one. I hope that changes later, when I go to the local “Home Days.” The couple of nights I have been here, I have sat outside hoping that someone that I might know might see me outside and stop by and talk to me. I can honestly say that it isn’t working very well.

                Why do I always seem to forget that wooden and plastic chairs do not mix well with dresses…aka …bare legs? This is the umpteenth time I have had to peel the backs of my legs off of the seat. IT HURTS. Mind you, it might not be so bad if there wasn’t an enormous amount of weight being put on the legs and chair. At least it wasn’t Friday night. I got REALLY drunk. At one point, my mother decided that she needed to remind me that I needed to throw up. She does this every time I am drunk in her presence. I believe she does this to see how long it takes until I do. Friday night….I did. I leaned over my chair and let loose onto the lawn, and apparently, into my purse. Apparently, I don’t chew my food as well as I think I do. It was NOT my finest or proudest moment, but it certainly has made for a fun weekend. I spent Saturday searching for a new, cheap, purse and was totally geeked to find a style of purse I have been wanting for $3.99. It doesn’t take much to make this girl geek out, but apparently for me, it was the acquiring of a corset purse.

HMMM….only sixteen…fourteen….five minutes until I can harvest my candycane trees…Must … go…..harvest…

memories ...and....bugs

      I should really tape my dad when he's telling his stories. He always has an interesting view of some memories, and I always wind up laughing my tushie off when I am over there. Mind you, I am usually drunk, too, because it's usually late at night. I love when he talks about his dad. I never really knew my Grandpa Kemp, but he sounds quite.....interesting. I wish my memories were clearer...
     I have so many stories and memories that I would love to talk about, but for some reason, they just don't come to me when I try to remember. Take the kissing story, for example. I really have very few details that jump out, other than what I repeated here. I mean, I still have no idea WHO actually kissed me. LOL. I guess that's a detail I should have cleared up years ago. I feel like asking people,"What do you remember about me?" and then using those stories to jog my own memory. Then, there are days when a memory sprouts up and I'm asking myself where in the world THAT came from. I mean, I know I should remember much more, but it just seems to elude me. Dad was talking about the orchestra and Carousel and the Cedar Point trip he chaperoned. I remember being SO happy that my dad came along. He talks about how all the kids deserted him when we got to Cedar Point and he was trying not to look like a total perv all day, walking around by himself. I remember going on trips with the orchestra and playing a game that consisted of trying to cram as many of us as possible into one seat, booth, etc. I have a picture of one of those attempts. I remember going to a cast party for one of the plays I was involved in, and when I went home, a car followed me slowly as I ran around the block to my house. I asked later what it was and the guy (I actually had such a crush on him!Then again, I got crushes a lot, especially back then....) told me that he was watching me run. I still don't get that. My dad also took a bunch of us to Rocky Horror Picture Show for my 16th birthday. I don't remember much from it.I had (and still have) the coolest dad ever!
    I swear, the ugliest and nastiest bug I have ever seen was walking down the wall by me. It was black and looked like it was dragging another one of it behind it, except it was clearly attached. I hate bugs more than I hate spiders, and spiders' saving grace is that they kill the bugs. I still feel that all of them need to just stay out of my immediate area. I HATE living in a basement. Basements are way too buggy.
    So I am going to end this post with the question I posed earlier...
What is a memory you have of/with/about me?

boredom strikes again!

                I think I just wrote a children’s story. I was bored last night, so I opened up Word and started typing. Stopping only to smush the occasional bug on my screen, within a few minutes, I had a simple story written. Picturing the illustrations that would go with it, I decided to edit it a little. I am not sure if I am confident enough with it to actually post or try to publish, but I think I did okay. It’s actually difficult to try to speak simply enough for a child to read it. I think I will run it by Jill. She has a three-year –old and can be honest with me without hurting my feelings. If you ask me, it sucks, but I always think everything I do sucks. I think I will work on some illustrations while I am in Brook Park this weekend. So far, Capt. S-a-H has been tabled. I am totally not happy with the concept drawings.

                It is amazing how much time I just waste in a day. I spend most days in front of my laptop, bored out of my skull and hoping someone will IM me or talk to me. I really should spend the time being more productive, but it seems facecrack (aka facebook) sucks me in and I end up bouncing from game to game-playing until I am ready to shoot myself. Then, I check the time and if it is time to make dinner, I do. If not, I get a snack, and return to my games…or writing…or checking my email… School starts on Monday, but I doubt that would change things, I just will be trying to work on school while facecracking…. at least a job will help me get away from the basement…if I get the energy up to venture outside…but that means actually putting on a bra and shoes and stuff….

maybe tomorrow.

And the hunt continues….

                I have decided to pull out all the stops, so to speak. I am actually going to apply where I used to work, in hopes that they’d like me to come back. I mean, its minimum wage, but I NEED A JOB! I am so tired of sitting around doing nothing. Burger King…here I come! LOL. Maybe the Applebee’s is hiring…or Chipotle…Despite my health issues, I can’t keep hoping a desk job will come along. It isn’t happening.

                 I miss being a cook at Perkin’s. I loved being a cook, and I was a damned good one, too. I hardly ever got food sent back and the servers would come to me for their difficult customers. (I was even good with steaks!)Maybe Bob Evans is hiring… I liked the busy days, but not the crazy busy days…like Mother’s Day or most Sunday mornings. ACK! Those were awful, but I always managed to do well-despite a certain young manager who decided a woman didn’t belong as a head line cook and would try to sabotage me. Luckily, the GM knew better and that manager got transferred. They loved me there. I wish it wasn’t so far away…I could probably get in there if I wanted to. I miss the accomplished feeling at the end of a busy shift. Things would die down, I would clean up, and walk away knowing I had done a good job. Maybe I am meant to be in foodservice. I am not a chef or anything like that, but I think my home is in a kitchen. Too bad the Art Institute I go to doesn’t have an online culinary course….LOL.

                I am beginning to wonder if I am being discriminated against because of my weight. I mean, I am not afraid to work, but they look at me like I would rather be on my butt than working. My weight is the result of several years of depression, uncontrolled eating habits, severe fatigue, stress, and thyroid problems. I know it took me several years to pack on this weight, but I need someone to give me a chance to prove I’m not lazy.  When I came home from the housekeeping interview, Jack asked me if I thought they had made up their mind because of my weight. I am beginning to wonder. Last year, for one of my classes, I researched and wrote a paper about weight discrimination. Did you know that your DOCTOR is usually the guiltiest of this? They have been known to have less sympathy and listen less to their patients that are fat. People assume that you are fat because you are lazy, and don’t realize that there might be other contributing factors. Employers look at a fat person and see this: Lazy, sick, and a financial risk. That usually leaves fast food for us fatties to work, and that can be the kiss of death for us and our health goals. Some work places even have incentives, waist and weight requirements for health insurance. It’s crazy, and I am tired of being fat. I am working on it, though. I have actually lost some weight and am feeling a little better already. My back and knee have been giving me trouble, but that is becoming so usual that I ignore the pain and just go ahead and do whatever is asked of me. I am hoping to be under 300 within the next month or so…then I can really move ahead with the losing of the weight goals. After getting under the 300 mark, I can work on putting activity into the mix. I started off at 351 and I want to lose approximately 150 lbs. That would bring me to about 200 lbs and to a place where I am comfortable. I REALLY would like to get down to the weight that the docs say I should be at, which is between 125 and 145. I think 150 would be a perfect weight for me. That means I really would like to lose a total of 200 lbs, but I am working on small goals. First, get under 300. Then, get under 250, and then under 200. Finally, it will be the 150 mark. I figure it will take about 2 years. I guess that is why I want to live on my own. Then the only food in the house will be the food I can eat. I can do this….

Holidays and fireworks

                Happy 4^th of July, everyone! I spent the weekend with my family. At the moment, I am still at my Parents’ house, but I will be going home today. I would like to stay the week and next weekend, but Hubby wouldn’t like that much. I forgot how much I don’t like fireworks. I mean, the displays are nice when there’s music and such playing and lots of oohs and aaahs going on. What I don’t like is when you are chilling at a party, and some dweeboid next door sets some off. I don’t mind the pretty ones that make a slight “pop” when they go off, but they were setting off the ones that render you deaf as they go off a few feet above your head. I about had a couple of heart attacks. (And there were a couple of people with heart problems there.) NOT. FUN. I got to see my fave cousin, and basically hang out with the parts of my family that I don’t see living in BFE. Thank you, Jilly and your Hubby, for all of your hard work at having a cookout. I’d say it was a hit! I don’t have much more to say….but that might change later. 

Happy Independence Day!

Woo Hoo!

Ahhh...the old days...

                Well, it has been a good weekend so far. I am at Jilly’s house, and enjoying spending time with her and my 3-year-old nephew, Corey. I forget how much energy children use and emit. I get exhausted just watching him. Anyway, I stepped on her scale today, which previously erred when I would try to use it, and was able to weigh myself. I... Am…So…Geeked. In the past month or so, since I have started trying to lose weight, I have gone from 351 lbs. to 346 lbs. to 333 lbs. I keep this up and, in a few months, I will be under 300 and headed for real clothes. According to Fatsecret.com, if I continue as I have been, it will take me 15 months to get to my goal weight. It just proves my point that I am allergic to carbs. I am sooooo excited for Jilly, who is expecting another bundle of joy. I am hoping it’s a girl, so that I can spoil her the way she spoiled my Buggy.

                I got baby-fied the other day. I got to babysit my great-niece, Clover. She is just the cutest baby.

               OH, and as I have mentioned, I have a new obsession brewing. Whether or not it is all in my head, I am crushing on someone I knew from a while back. It’s kind of a crush-renewed. Anyway, I have been trying to keep myself in check and not cyberstalk him. I can just imagine scaring the crap out of him because I pounce on him the moment he comes online. “HI! Remember Me?” (I can just picture the psycho chick hiding in the closet commercial.) I’m not that bad about it. I just would like to get back in contact with him and see if he’d like a friendship.

                I found an old picture of me and Jilly from when we were younger. I think I was about 12 or 13. Jilly saw it and said, “Where’s my pants?” and I was like,

“WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME I WAS HOT!?!!?”

Short and sweet- nothing to talk about, really

                I had an interview today and even though I was cheerful and upbeat, I walked away with a “not-so-good” feeling about it. My first indication was that the two girls before me talked to a guy and a lady. After talking to the guy, he told me I could leave. He said that someone would be calling me in the next week or so. Not good. It was for a housekeeping job! I can clean things.  Anyway, so I am continuing my search for work. I am hoping for the best. My mother obtained work, and I am really happy for her. She spent the past almost three years in a funk. I am hoping working will help. I know it will help my Dad oodles. Everything is going so much better for the members of my family. It is just awesome.

                So, I need more of a following. Thank you so much to those who are already following me! It is awesome. I am out of my kill-them-all funk, so this blog should become much better for reading. I spent a few hours with a good friend of mine and she got me out of the house. It helped to be able to talk without pissing people off. I swear, I blink wrong and hubby seems to think I am getting an attitude with him. Sometimes I am glad he doesn’t know what I really think when he does that.

http://youtu.be/E5Lec3m1pLY- I think this should be my anthem J