I'm still here...

...despite rumors of my untimely demise, I am still alive and kicking. I am now working what some would call a menial job and I actually like it. I mean, it's not what one would call a "career" but it is a job and I can sit while doing it. I am an assembler for a local clamp company. I spend a lot of time thinking as I mindlessly put together components for various types of hose clamps. This was my first week and I already have worked overtime and impressed my boss-lady with my efficiency numbers. (Personally, I feel I can work much faster...and I will...once my blisters heal and my fingers decide to stop fumbling...) I have already purchased finger sleeves and sports tape for my fingers. I tried gloves, but they keep getting pinched in the parts. Now, if only I can keep my cuticles from getting shredded by the bands I am putting the bolts and trunnions into. Yes, there is a part called a "trunnion." Basically, it's a little part that the bolts slides through before the nuts get put on. I think it's such a funny little word. It makes me think of food and Star Trek. The word makes me think of Funyons-that yummy little fried snack that consists of salty nothingness with some onion flavor...and "The Trouble with Tribbles." ...which...I believe is the name of an episode of the original Star Trek series. Hubby would know, and I would ask, but he is happily snoring on the bed. One thing I wasn't prepared for was one result of the heat and work: leg cramps. I got a leg cramp so bad last night it woke me out of a dead sleep. Apparently  it's the result of my meds and dehydration...the med being a diuretic. Anyway, I am looking forward to another week of working. I just hope it doesn't interfere with my school stuff too badly...

Please excuse my absence...

I have been busy obtaining a job and doing school assignments. It is now Friday, and I am having things go well. My obsession has cooled quite a bit, and I have been focused on myself. I don't have much to say...I might post more later...

Okay now...

   I have been trying to come up with ways to make this blog more entertaining. I think I am going to have a weekly schedule to post things....for example...tarot Tuesdays...where I give advice on a card I have pulled for the day. Or have people write to me and I use the cards to give advice. I'd like to do more with memories....but it seems my brain doesn't recollect much right now. A trip to see Dad fixes that, though. A friend even suggested I talk about being bisexual, and then advertise on the "After Ellen" boards. I'm not as sure about that idea...but who knows? I mean, I am bi, but considering my experiences with women are limited, I don't really have much to say on the subject. I do plan on continuing with the 'tooning, it's just I have been really hitting a low point with my artwork. Maybe once I have some semblance of a life, I'd have more to say. I am going to try to post at least 2-3 times a week, if not once a day. Any feedback or suggestions will be considered and appreciated. I have been told that I have to stop taking some comments so personally, and kinda let them roll. I hope I can. Like I have said before, I think my funny fell out. I gotta go find it, now. Until next time....

RANT..Warning...I might get a little explicit....

Okay. Some people should just not procreate. Better yet, they should just not be allowed to have sex. Even better...they should have their junk....cut...OFF! Let me explain...
             I have this friend, and she is a sweetheart. She has a little girl from her marriage. Her ex-husband is constantly using his daughter to worm his way back in order to use my friend for pretty much everything. I just found out that he ditched his daughter to have dinner with a "friend" and her daughter. The day before, he ditched his daughter to run errands and walk a 14 year old neighbor girl to a store. HELLO!? Ok..a little more background here..I recently stumbled on some facebooking of his where he hits on a girl who is clearly underage. A friend of hers tells him to leave her alone and he gets all pissy with the friend saying that "Well I am not the one putting my goods out there for all to see..." Did I mention that this guy has spent time in jail for a sex offense? CUT OFF! Period. (The girl, btw...said she was deleting him...smart.) Personally, I refuse to let him near my daughter.
        Back onto the subject I started with...now, his daughter doesn't believe that her Daddy wants her around at all. Poor girl is gonna have some major issues later in life. Some people should NOT have kids. I mean, I may have made a mistake with who donated sperm for my daughter...(her biological father is in prison for sexual assault)but at least I made sure she never got attached to him..hell, she's never even MET him. She asked Hubby to be her daddy and he is a great father to her. She deserves that. So does my friend's daughter. This guy has always managed to piss me off, and I think this was just it for me. Now, normally, I give people the benefit of the doubt, and give them a chance to show their character before I form an opinion on someone. I have now known this friend's ex for about 4 years and he succeeds in confirming my opinion of him at every turn. I am just disgusted right now. Thanks for listening.

Bye bye bye ...Blue Bullet

                So, I was just combing through some of my old blogs, re-reading and trying to get back onto what I intended the blog to be, when I noticed that I never explained what happened to my car. I had my Buick until around June. Then, as we were pulling into the driveway after a visit to a friends’ house, the brake pedal hits the floor. I figure, no problem, I will get the brakes fixed. We get the car to the shop, and a day later, the shop calls and tells me that they can’t fix my car. Apparently, the driver's side rear axle bracket had disintegrated and caused the axle to fall, breaking the brake lines. I figure, just put another bracket on, right? Not so easy, as the frame that the bracket is fastened to is rusted through. Thus, the guy said it was unfixable. A week later, after managing to get the vehicle back home, I said good bye to my “Blue Bullet” and sold her for $350. I had $900 in the bank, and with that $350, I figured I would buy a beater cheap to drive. Then, Hubby’s truck went wonky. Considering Hubby was the “breadwinner” and looking for work, I decided I would use some of what I had left to fix Hubby’s truck. Little did I know that the repairs would cost $960. All said and done, Hubby wound up getting a job shortly thereafter and fixing his truck was the best option. I still miss my Buick, though, and hopefully will be able to get the funds together for a vehicle soon. So, that is the story of my vehicle’s demise. Well, a little add-on…When they went to strap the car down onto the flatbed, the other side’s bracket gave in and the entire rear end dropped. Hubby says to me, “Well, looks like we sold that just in time.”

I cried.

Like a baby.

I mean it, I bawled my ever-loving eyes out.

                My obsession has started to wane. I think this is because reality is setting in that this guy would take one look at me and probably run the other way. I mean, my picture is great, but it’s just of my face. I have to face it; I am not the “norm.” Not to mention, this week has been a total bust for the diet. Between parties, leftovers, and just overall being broke I have had little options left for me. I weighed myself when at my parents’ over the weekend and I have gone from 333 to 331lbs. It’s still a loss, but I was a little disheartened. On a brighter note, I have started each day anew, telling myself that “today, I will stick with it…” So far, I have done well today.

                I am now on my summer session for school. I have to go part-time, because BVR doesn’t pay for summer classes. So, I use the summer sessions to catch up on what I failed in the other sessions. Right now, I am retaking my “Advanced Life Drawing for Animation” class.  It’s only week one, but I am doing well, despite the fact I had the internet go all wonky on me yesterday, when I had an assignment due. It got better right around 1am-ish, so I was able to make the deadline.  I like this teacher. The last time I took this class, I told the teacher I had a hard time finding models. The teacher did nothing. This time, when I mentioned it, she gave me a link to an AWESOME website for art poses. (www.posemaniacs.com) Thanks to her, I am having an easier time and can focus more on the drawing and less on “How in Hell… AM I GONNA DRAW SOMEONE WHEN I HAVE NO MODEL!!!?” Yeah. I used mostly Caps. It was intentional. Deal with it; it is because I freak out.

                Pimpin’ my blog….I have noticed that I have reached over 1000 hits! YEAY! 

Random day...

I found myself pulling a stunt that my mom does. I was cooking yesterday, and wiped the stirring spoon with my fingers, licked my fingers, and did it again. I caught myself before putting the spoon back in to stir, however, and washed the spoon before continuing. I am turning into my mother. YIKES.
I went to a birthday party for a friend’s daughter. I was surrounded by a bunch of teens and twenty-somethings. I felt old, and then one of the guys says to me, “What you’re only twenty-five or six.” I could have kissed him right there, but I didn’t. It was sweet of him to say, but I told him my age. He seemed shocked. Either these kids are seriously not sure about ages, or really good actors. Anyway, I spent most of the time happily giving readings to the kids. (I read tarot cards, and I think I’m getting pretty good at it!) Most of these kids are on super-self-discovery kinds of paths, wrought with low self-esteem and angst. It’s weird, but I think I got to a couple of them. I hope I did, I’d like to think I make some kind of difference for them. Anyway, as I am super-broke, I gave Maddy one of my drawings as a gift. She and Joyce (her Mom) seemed really happy to see me. It warms my heart to see people happy to see me. It means that I mean something to them and as a result, I feel better and less awkward about being around a bunch of kids. I wish my daughter had been with me, she would have had fun. (But, I think she had more fun today at Cedar Point with Papa!)
I feel one of those weird headaches coming on. The ones where it hangs around the edges of notice, causing the occasional eye twitch. I think it is my sinuses. Anyway, I think I am gonna see about starting to have “tarot parties” where I give readings for 5-10 bucks a pop. If I had charged today, say 5 each, I would have had at least 30 – 40 bucks. I normally don’t charge. It’s a thought. At least until I can get into a job. I forgot to call the agency about that factory job….maybe tomorrow….I need a car…I feel pretty today…I don’t know why…I just do…

A little bit of this and that

http://youtu.be/vhG8zC4npsE

   I stumbled onto this video today, and it brought back a lot of memories for me. I LOVED the Dracula movie as I am an avid fan of anything vampire. The Twilight series is actually okay, but I think Edward is too whiny for my taste. Anyway, I loved this song in high school. I even remember taking the movie pictures from the book and drawing them. Sadly, I gave those drawings away and don't still have them. There is something about vampires that has always drawn me in. The Goth culture, too, but for some reason, as much as it calls to me, I seem to be standing on the edge of the outer court looking in. The classic love story, I think is what pulls me in. Imagine loving someone for centuries and finding them again...That kind of connection seems to elude most of us.   Most of my music choices are made because 1) I think someone in the group is hot, 2) I like the beat and can dance to it, 3) I can sing it and belt it and no one will beg me to be quiet, or 4) Something about the music, voice, and sound haunt my very soul and causes my creativity to stir. This song by Annie Lennox does that for me. I haven't heard the song in ages, and now I can feel my soul creating ideas and wanting to express them. I think I am going to add this song to my growing playlist of my life.
       I went to see the fireworks in BrookPark on Sunday. They were amazing. What's weird is, for the first time in a long time, I was sitting there and able to really think. As the beautiful colors sparkled and banged above me, I was able to think about how I really feel about Hubby, about what I want to do with my life, and even obsess a little about someone I might never have a chance with, but makes for good fantasies. All of this was able to come out because I was focused on the pretty colors. Both my feet fell asleep, and it took Jocy and Dad to get me off the ground. It was well worth it. I have new focus and now know where I am going.
      I also went to an interview/ signup for a staffing agency. The lady explained the job she was looking at for me and it sounds perfect. It's a sit-down job, 10 hours a day, Monday through Thursday with some overtime on Fridays. It's eight an hour and in Wadsworth, which means little gas will be used up. I am hoping to get it, as I feel a need to work and gain some independence. Wish me luck!
     I was also remembering back to high school. Somewhere, my parents have the tape from my senior year Spring Sing. I remember watching it a few years ago and wondering why I was in the front row. At that point, I was about 200 lbs, well on my way to DD cups, and the choreography involved swinging my arms and jumping from side to side. I am surprised I never wound up with bruises the way my boobs were swinging. I would give anything to be back at that weight and state of mind, though. Then again, back then I was severely depressed and thought high school sucked total donkey dick. My prom date was a blind date, and I only had one boyfriend throughout my school years. That only took up about 6 months out of the four years. Plus, I seem to have major GAYdar. If I want them....most likely... they are gay. <SIGH> Anyway, my posting frequency will slow down a little, as I have started up with school again.
I love you guys....you take the time to read about me and my craziness.

antisocial and facecrack

                I have been on a network the past couple of days, which apparently does not like blogspot. Anytime I have tried to view or update my blog, it has refused to load. This is endlessly frustrating for me. I have been trying to post at least once a day. Anyway, so I have been occupying myself with Facecrack, as this seems to be the only site other than Yahoo that wants to load on my parents’ network. I think it’s a conspiracy that only allows facecrack through so that we can melt our brains playing endless app games. I am guilty of this. I admit it. I am a facecrack addict. My drug of choice lately has been this game called Monster World. This game, like so many others, requires the planting and harvesting of various things. Due to my lack of friends/neighbors/clan/etc… in this game, it is going frustratingly slow, but, for some reason, I find myself returning to make more gummi treats or grow more spike balls. I continue to feed my monster helper, despite the fact that he eats my plants if I am gone too long. The really good plants, like the unicorn horn, take an unbearably long amount of time to grow, and so I have to supplement the good ones with the easy ones. The easy ones take such a short time to grow that I am afraid to leave the game because I want to harvest them. So, I keep the browser window open while I attempt to do other things. Most of the time, this includes doing the same things on other facecrack games. This, mind you, is to keep me from endlessly obsessing to see if certain people are online and if they want to talk to me. I am a social hermit, of sorts. I crave human attention and want to seek it out, but seemingly only from the comfort of my computer. I have been in my hometown for the weekend, and have succeeded in socializing with no one. I hope that changes later, when I go to the local “Home Days.” The couple of nights I have been here, I have sat outside hoping that someone that I might know might see me outside and stop by and talk to me. I can honestly say that it isn’t working very well.

                Why do I always seem to forget that wooden and plastic chairs do not mix well with dresses…aka …bare legs? This is the umpteenth time I have had to peel the backs of my legs off of the seat. IT HURTS. Mind you, it might not be so bad if there wasn’t an enormous amount of weight being put on the legs and chair. At least it wasn’t Friday night. I got REALLY drunk. At one point, my mother decided that she needed to remind me that I needed to throw up. She does this every time I am drunk in her presence. I believe she does this to see how long it takes until I do. Friday night….I did. I leaned over my chair and let loose onto the lawn, and apparently, into my purse. Apparently, I don’t chew my food as well as I think I do. It was NOT my finest or proudest moment, but it certainly has made for a fun weekend. I spent Saturday searching for a new, cheap, purse and was totally geeked to find a style of purse I have been wanting for $3.99. It doesn’t take much to make this girl geek out, but apparently for me, it was the acquiring of a corset purse.

HMMM….only sixteen…fourteen….five minutes until I can harvest my candycane trees…Must … go…..harvest…

memories ...and....bugs

      I should really tape my dad when he's telling his stories. He always has an interesting view of some memories, and I always wind up laughing my tushie off when I am over there. Mind you, I am usually drunk, too, because it's usually late at night. I love when he talks about his dad. I never really knew my Grandpa Kemp, but he sounds quite.....interesting. I wish my memories were clearer...
     I have so many stories and memories that I would love to talk about, but for some reason, they just don't come to me when I try to remember. Take the kissing story, for example. I really have very few details that jump out, other than what I repeated here. I mean, I still have no idea WHO actually kissed me. LOL. I guess that's a detail I should have cleared up years ago. I feel like asking people,"What do you remember about me?" and then using those stories to jog my own memory. Then, there are days when a memory sprouts up and I'm asking myself where in the world THAT came from. I mean, I know I should remember much more, but it just seems to elude me. Dad was talking about the orchestra and Carousel and the Cedar Point trip he chaperoned. I remember being SO happy that my dad came along. He talks about how all the kids deserted him when we got to Cedar Point and he was trying not to look like a total perv all day, walking around by himself. I remember going on trips with the orchestra and playing a game that consisted of trying to cram as many of us as possible into one seat, booth, etc. I have a picture of one of those attempts. I remember going to a cast party for one of the plays I was involved in, and when I went home, a car followed me slowly as I ran around the block to my house. I asked later what it was and the guy (I actually had such a crush on him!Then again, I got crushes a lot, especially back then....) told me that he was watching me run. I still don't get that. My dad also took a bunch of us to Rocky Horror Picture Show for my 16th birthday. I don't remember much from it.I had (and still have) the coolest dad ever!
    I swear, the ugliest and nastiest bug I have ever seen was walking down the wall by me. It was black and looked like it was dragging another one of it behind it, except it was clearly attached. I hate bugs more than I hate spiders, and spiders' saving grace is that they kill the bugs. I still feel that all of them need to just stay out of my immediate area. I HATE living in a basement. Basements are way too buggy.
    So I am going to end this post with the question I posed earlier...
What is a memory you have of/with/about me?

boredom strikes again!

                I think I just wrote a children’s story. I was bored last night, so I opened up Word and started typing. Stopping only to smush the occasional bug on my screen, within a few minutes, I had a simple story written. Picturing the illustrations that would go with it, I decided to edit it a little. I am not sure if I am confident enough with it to actually post or try to publish, but I think I did okay. It’s actually difficult to try to speak simply enough for a child to read it. I think I will run it by Jill. She has a three-year –old and can be honest with me without hurting my feelings. If you ask me, it sucks, but I always think everything I do sucks. I think I will work on some illustrations while I am in Brook Park this weekend. So far, Capt. S-a-H has been tabled. I am totally not happy with the concept drawings.

                It is amazing how much time I just waste in a day. I spend most days in front of my laptop, bored out of my skull and hoping someone will IM me or talk to me. I really should spend the time being more productive, but it seems facecrack (aka facebook) sucks me in and I end up bouncing from game to game-playing until I am ready to shoot myself. Then, I check the time and if it is time to make dinner, I do. If not, I get a snack, and return to my games…or writing…or checking my email… School starts on Monday, but I doubt that would change things, I just will be trying to work on school while facecracking…. at least a job will help me get away from the basement…if I get the energy up to venture outside…but that means actually putting on a bra and shoes and stuff….

maybe tomorrow.

And the hunt continues….

                I have decided to pull out all the stops, so to speak. I am actually going to apply where I used to work, in hopes that they’d like me to come back. I mean, its minimum wage, but I NEED A JOB! I am so tired of sitting around doing nothing. Burger King…here I come! LOL. Maybe the Applebee’s is hiring…or Chipotle…Despite my health issues, I can’t keep hoping a desk job will come along. It isn’t happening.

                 I miss being a cook at Perkin’s. I loved being a cook, and I was a damned good one, too. I hardly ever got food sent back and the servers would come to me for their difficult customers. (I was even good with steaks!)Maybe Bob Evans is hiring… I liked the busy days, but not the crazy busy days…like Mother’s Day or most Sunday mornings. ACK! Those were awful, but I always managed to do well-despite a certain young manager who decided a woman didn’t belong as a head line cook and would try to sabotage me. Luckily, the GM knew better and that manager got transferred. They loved me there. I wish it wasn’t so far away…I could probably get in there if I wanted to. I miss the accomplished feeling at the end of a busy shift. Things would die down, I would clean up, and walk away knowing I had done a good job. Maybe I am meant to be in foodservice. I am not a chef or anything like that, but I think my home is in a kitchen. Too bad the Art Institute I go to doesn’t have an online culinary course….LOL.

                I am beginning to wonder if I am being discriminated against because of my weight. I mean, I am not afraid to work, but they look at me like I would rather be on my butt than working. My weight is the result of several years of depression, uncontrolled eating habits, severe fatigue, stress, and thyroid problems. I know it took me several years to pack on this weight, but I need someone to give me a chance to prove I’m not lazy.  When I came home from the housekeeping interview, Jack asked me if I thought they had made up their mind because of my weight. I am beginning to wonder. Last year, for one of my classes, I researched and wrote a paper about weight discrimination. Did you know that your DOCTOR is usually the guiltiest of this? They have been known to have less sympathy and listen less to their patients that are fat. People assume that you are fat because you are lazy, and don’t realize that there might be other contributing factors. Employers look at a fat person and see this: Lazy, sick, and a financial risk. That usually leaves fast food for us fatties to work, and that can be the kiss of death for us and our health goals. Some work places even have incentives, waist and weight requirements for health insurance. It’s crazy, and I am tired of being fat. I am working on it, though. I have actually lost some weight and am feeling a little better already. My back and knee have been giving me trouble, but that is becoming so usual that I ignore the pain and just go ahead and do whatever is asked of me. I am hoping to be under 300 within the next month or so…then I can really move ahead with the losing of the weight goals. After getting under the 300 mark, I can work on putting activity into the mix. I started off at 351 and I want to lose approximately 150 lbs. That would bring me to about 200 lbs and to a place where I am comfortable. I REALLY would like to get down to the weight that the docs say I should be at, which is between 125 and 145. I think 150 would be a perfect weight for me. That means I really would like to lose a total of 200 lbs, but I am working on small goals. First, get under 300. Then, get under 250, and then under 200. Finally, it will be the 150 mark. I figure it will take about 2 years. I guess that is why I want to live on my own. Then the only food in the house will be the food I can eat. I can do this….

Holidays and fireworks

                Happy 4^th of July, everyone! I spent the weekend with my family. At the moment, I am still at my Parents’ house, but I will be going home today. I would like to stay the week and next weekend, but Hubby wouldn’t like that much. I forgot how much I don’t like fireworks. I mean, the displays are nice when there’s music and such playing and lots of oohs and aaahs going on. What I don’t like is when you are chilling at a party, and some dweeboid next door sets some off. I don’t mind the pretty ones that make a slight “pop” when they go off, but they were setting off the ones that render you deaf as they go off a few feet above your head. I about had a couple of heart attacks. (And there were a couple of people with heart problems there.) NOT. FUN. I got to see my fave cousin, and basically hang out with the parts of my family that I don’t see living in BFE. Thank you, Jilly and your Hubby, for all of your hard work at having a cookout. I’d say it was a hit! I don’t have much more to say….but that might change later. 

Happy Independence Day!

Woo Hoo!

Ahhh...the old days...

                Well, it has been a good weekend so far. I am at Jilly’s house, and enjoying spending time with her and my 3-year-old nephew, Corey. I forget how much energy children use and emit. I get exhausted just watching him. Anyway, I stepped on her scale today, which previously erred when I would try to use it, and was able to weigh myself. I... Am…So…Geeked. In the past month or so, since I have started trying to lose weight, I have gone from 351 lbs. to 346 lbs. to 333 lbs. I keep this up and, in a few months, I will be under 300 and headed for real clothes. According to Fatsecret.com, if I continue as I have been, it will take me 15 months to get to my goal weight. It just proves my point that I am allergic to carbs. I am sooooo excited for Jilly, who is expecting another bundle of joy. I am hoping it’s a girl, so that I can spoil her the way she spoiled my Buggy.

                I got baby-fied the other day. I got to babysit my great-niece, Clover. She is just the cutest baby.

               OH, and as I have mentioned, I have a new obsession brewing. Whether or not it is all in my head, I am crushing on someone I knew from a while back. It’s kind of a crush-renewed. Anyway, I have been trying to keep myself in check and not cyberstalk him. I can just imagine scaring the crap out of him because I pounce on him the moment he comes online. “HI! Remember Me?” (I can just picture the psycho chick hiding in the closet commercial.) I’m not that bad about it. I just would like to get back in contact with him and see if he’d like a friendship.

                I found an old picture of me and Jilly from when we were younger. I think I was about 12 or 13. Jilly saw it and said, “Where’s my pants?” and I was like,

“WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME I WAS HOT!?!!?”

Short and sweet- nothing to talk about, really

                I had an interview today and even though I was cheerful and upbeat, I walked away with a “not-so-good” feeling about it. My first indication was that the two girls before me talked to a guy and a lady. After talking to the guy, he told me I could leave. He said that someone would be calling me in the next week or so. Not good. It was for a housekeeping job! I can clean things.  Anyway, so I am continuing my search for work. I am hoping for the best. My mother obtained work, and I am really happy for her. She spent the past almost three years in a funk. I am hoping working will help. I know it will help my Dad oodles. Everything is going so much better for the members of my family. It is just awesome.

                So, I need more of a following. Thank you so much to those who are already following me! It is awesome. I am out of my kill-them-all funk, so this blog should become much better for reading. I spent a few hours with a good friend of mine and she got me out of the house. It helped to be able to talk without pissing people off. I swear, I blink wrong and hubby seems to think I am getting an attitude with him. Sometimes I am glad he doesn’t know what I really think when he does that.

http://youtu.be/E5Lec3m1pLY- I think this should be my anthem J

Situation is a No-Go

                Okay. I have decided that there are three things I will NOT discuss on this blog:

1) Religion: Because there are too many people who believe that their way is the only way and are willing to argue about it. I am WAY too easy to spur into an argument, so I will not discuss it.

2) Politics: See #1.

3) Sex: Well, not all sex, just the stuff involving monogamy and stuff like that. This is a recent addition due to an earlier post that I have since deleted due to the backlash I have gotten. In other words…See #1.

                Now, I might touch upon these issues if I see something worth saying and have decided to break my own rules. It’s my blog, I am allowed. Other than that, I will not be spurred into any more debates or arguments about the above topics. I get too crazy, and I like myself sane. I’m at least a little funny when I am trying to be sane. Insanity has its perks, too, but right now I can’t afford to spend a week in the hospital because I have decided that some person was too stupid to be in my presence and I had to remove them as soon as possible. I know that sounds elitist, but I get that way sometimes.

                The other night, I could not sleep. After taking melatonin, I spent three hours in my bed trying to figure out how Hubby manages not to render me deaf with his snoring every night. At about 3am, I thought I’d go online and putz around. I did, and tried going back to bed. At about 430, my brain decided it wanted to try to figure out how to sew a dress together, and would not rest until I had gotten up and sewn, by hand, fabric to an old skirt to create a dress. Now, I don’t really sew, so this was quite a feat to try so early in the morning. When Hubby got up at 6am, I was still awake. It was not a good night. My brain does that sometimes. It decides that I am going to figure something out, and then REFUSES TO REST until said thing is done or at least worked on. This often leads to several nights of very little sleep, and if the subject is something I cannot handle or complete at that time (like wanting to hook up with a person or calling to take care of appointments), NO sleep at all. The odd thing is, if it is sunrise or sunset I drop off without a problem. I have gotten into the habit of taking double the dose of melatonin lately. So far, it has been working. Let’s just hope that my brain doesn’t latch onto something impossible to do. 

aaaaand...switch! Change of pace....

                Okay, now for a switch of pace. I have been working on the concepts for Capt. Save-a-Ho and SuperSlut. I have some preliminary drawings done, but they need a lot of tweaking. Basically, it goes like this:

                Average Joe dons a cape to become Capt. Save-a-Ho. His goal is to rescue damsels in distress. He flies everywhere to help women everywhere. Problem is, he never gets the girl. After rescue, they run back to their abusive/parolee/drug-addicted boyfriends/husbands that they needed rescuing from to begin with. Joe returns home, hangs up his cape and swears never to pick it up again. That is, until another damsel is distressing.

                Plain Jane often plays wingman to her friends, snatching up the guy her friends didn’t want. She becomes SuperSlut, and her life’s mission is to sex that man into bliss and prove to him that she is worth his time. Usually, this ends up with her leaving his place in the middle of the night or ending up in a bad relationship that she can’t seem to find her way out of. Jane returns back home, often alone, and swears off men entirely. That is, until a few daiquiris cause her to think otherwise.

                Average Joe and Plain Jane just happened to be friends, and are the only ones who know about the others’ alter egos. They had tried a relationship, but it just didn’t work out. Their need to aid the abused and/ or sexually frustrated often got in the way. (I am even considering a plotline where Superslut distracts the damsel’s boyfriend so that Save-a-Ho can rescue said damsel.)

                The visual concepts involve corseting on the verge of popping, boots, and (of course) a cape for the Capt, way too much cleavage showing for SS, and maybe even “Hero Hair” for the Capt. I am not sure about some details, like hair color or if I should make the heroes hot-looking.

                Well, there it is…here's a black and white rough draft of SuperSlut.

Soundtrack of life

                I have a constant soundtrack to my life. Pretty much anything made by Duran Duran could bring back memories of high school. The Bangles’ Greatest hits play in the background of some of that time, as well. Evanescence dominates my late twenties until about thirty. I still can’t listen to Bon Jovi’s “Blaze of Glory” without having fond memories. “Life is a Highway” (the original), “Sadeness” by Enigma and “November Rain” was the soundtrack to my summer visit to Nebraska when I lost my virginity. Anything by Meatloaf will forever remind me of the theater crowd at high school, cast parties, and Rocky Horror Picture Show. “Separate Ways” by Journey, Clannad, and Styx still holds memories of Kansas and my friends there. (As well as a crush…big surprise there!) Metallica and Bryan Adams discographies will remind me of my daughter’s father and my journey back home. Godsmack and Linkin Park will carry with it the beginning of my marriage. Now, it is One Republic’s turn. I sit here, typing away and remembering so much. It makes me wish I could turn back time and relive some moments. The moments where I should have bitten the bullet and spoken up I could remedy. The moments I cherish to this day, I could stand back and enjoy again. I think everyone, at some point in their lives, feel this way. What song will be playing? What is your life’s soundtrack? Here’s some of mine:

http://youtu.be/z7U3YWD_KWo      http://youtu.be/I7u1A5V8NcU   http://youtu.be/OxQeJsFLGmY

http://youtu.be/MfmYCM4CS8o    http://youtu.be/U3sMjm9Eloo    http://youtu.be/2A4Km5PTu5o

http://youtu.be/5anLPw0Efmo   http://youtu.be/P9jCCN1e64M   http://youtu.be/QGJuMBdaqIw

A little break from format here...

Two posts in one day! I thought I'd share this with all of you:

I miss summer days and ice cream.

I miss being naïve and wondering why a boy would put my textbook down his pants.

I miss lazy afternoons doing things I probably shouldn’t.

I miss the first kiss, innocent and exciting.

I miss just hanging out hoping a guy will notice me.

I miss working so hard that I just come home and relax, feeling accomplished.

I miss a world of chasing each other around and giggling.

I miss swimming in the pool and pretending I’m a mermaid.

I miss dancing on the dance floor and not noticing if people are staring.

I miss the feeling of a sleeping baby on my chest.

I miss running free without adults around.

I miss exploring and pretending I’m in another world.

I miss hanging out backstage and feeling at home.

I miss big brothers and little sisters and annoying the crap out of each other.

I miss dressing up.

I miss not having anything to worry about but grades.

I miss the touch of teenage lust on the couch.

I miss scary stories of ghosts and monsters.

Out of all of these things that I miss,

What I miss the most…

 is me and what I used to be.

Old friends, nasal bugs, and running out of time….

                What an odd time for me right now. I am dealing with an oncoming obsession, which can be a good thing for my writing and sleeping habits, but bad for my mental state. What’s cool is that I also have touched base with a friend I met a couple of years back. Actually, I met her and her Mom. Joyce and Maddy are pretty much the sweetest, neatest Mom and daughter combo. I am happy to call them friends. Maddy is in her teens and a budding artist. Joyce is this rough, funny, and overall awesome lady. Maddy caught me on facebook and I invited them over. She seems excited. To add to the awesomeness, an old friend has gotten back in touch with me and I am really cool about it. I just hope that being in a good mood doesn’t ruin my funny, although if last night is any indication-I think I’ll do just fine.

                Last night, I am trying to think of something really thought –provoking or deep or even cryptic to write as my status on Facebook, and a bug flew up my nose. After snorting a few times to clear the bug, I just wrote it. It actually came out funnier after it was written. Sometimes, you just can’t make this stuff up.

                Crap, it’s almost 4 and I am still not out of my lounger/nightgown. Damn facebook and their addictive games and friends messaging! Well, I should bounce and start drawing the characters I want to post….Coming Soon! The Adventures of Captain Save-A-Ho and SuperSlut!

Rambling....

                Okay, I have been sucked into the world of facebook games yet again. That’s okay, because when school starts back up, I will be culling my games again. Until then, I will kill time playing games and looking for work. I applied at another place today. I am just hoping that getting the job will help me get a car so that I can be free again. This whole depending on others is getting really old really quick. Anyway, I was struggling with some thoughts last night and even though I got off the computer around 230 ish, I still was awake until almost 4. Needless to say, it got me off to a slow start today. I did vacuum today, so there’s one accomplishment. LOL. Oh, and even though he doesn’t read my blog, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my wonderful Dad. He means the world to me and I am happy to have him make it another year, despite the health issues and drama this year. Here’s a drink- to many more years!

                I am getting some serious cabin fever. I am having a birthday cookout for my Father-in-law and Dad this Sunday. I just hope that the weather is good on that day. Sometimes I think that’s what keeps me from leaving Hubby- I really like my Father-in-law. He’s a really neat 81 year old man.  We get along pretty well. I am seriously considering relocating. There are few jobs out here, and I would like to live on my own for once in my life. Jocy, however, would hate me for life if I took her out of Rittman. I don’t know. I said this last year, too. All I know is that despite what a sweetheart Hubby can be, there are other things driving me away. Oh, crap. I just went all sad and depressing…..SUBJECT CHANGE!

                Because of something I said a couple of posts ago; I have an idea for a comic that I will post here. I just have to draw it up. I think it’s funny. I hope you guys do, too. Until then, I will just post a new toon of “Big Stacy.” She will be part of the whole new comic, kind of a play on an “alter ego” thing. I have decided to work by hand, and then scan the stuff in, at least, until I can get a tablet to use. Drawing with a mouse sucks total donkey dick. Dude, I hope such language is allowed….am I allowed to say “dick?” Anyway, time to go harvest some lemonade bushes in my “Monster World” game.

                

I kissed a….what?!

                Okay, I was going to write a rant about polyamory vs. monogamy (my side being the poly part) but have decided to change my topic because I had the WEIRDEST dream last night. I mean, I have weird dreams anyway, but this one kind of takes the prize.

I kissed a ghost.

                Yeah, I know that needs some explaining. In my dream, I was called to a woman’s house named Mrs. Ford. She was calling on me to help her with a ghost problem. Apparently, something was messing up her late husband’s office and scaring her 12 year old son. Every time she neatly ordered everything, things would rip and tear off the bulletin boards and mess up the drawers. So, in I came and did a simple blessing of the office to try to get a better picture. When that didn’t work, I turned to Mrs. Ford and asked her if maybe her husband wanted his office kept messy. She sheepishly asked me how I knew that. She then explains that he had died recently, and that he was part Native American. (Why I remember that I have no idea.) Anyway, while she leaves to pick her son up from school, I decide to meditate on the subject. This is when MR. Ford decides to make his appearance. Honestly, I do not remember what he looked like, but I remember having a severe attraction. He spoke to me, and then corpo------I can’t remember the word-----He became flesh and blood, or well, more solid. He pulled me closer and kissed me and ….wow. I just remember feeling amazing about the whole thing, which kind of freaked me out. In the dream, Mrs. Ford returns home to see her husband in the room. (She apparently missed the kissing part.) She freaks out and sends me away. The son looks at me with a worried look on his face. Fast forward halfway through a totally different dream where I am planning a huge party at my parents. I was making chicken cordon bleu, and remember having 5 huge bags of chicken in the freezer. Now, at first it seems to be warm out. Suddenly, Mrs. Ford pulls up into my parents’ driveway in silver PT Cruiser and runs up to me. She has her dead-again- husband frozen in the car. That’s when I realize she’s too drunk to drive and she wants me to drive to bury her second-dead husband, oh…and that it is the middle of a huge blizzard. Never in this dream do I ask her why her husband is dead. I can just see he is frozen solid. So, I get in the car and notice that the son is actually sitting under the body, not reacting at all. I pull away down the street, slipping and sliding the whole way. That is where everything fades out. The feeling that stuck, though, is how that kiss felt. Man, I must be desperate for male attention other than Hubby’s.

 Heh heh…I should write a parody of that song, “I Kissed a Girl” and change it to: “I Kissed a Ghost.” 

“I kissed a ghost, and I liked it……”

Once a day...too much? Comment and let me know...This one's titled "Obsessions"

Okay, I am trying to post once a day now. I spent most of today in bed. Why did I do such a thing? Well, that’s because of a little unhealthy hobby I have. Those who know me closely know that I obsess. I don’t mean the, “OOOH! He’s hot I’m gonna watch every movie he’s in and listen to all of his albums!” Mind you, I do watch and listen and all that, but I tend to take it a step further. I steep myself in everything having to do with the person until burnout commences. I write stories and fantasize about them. I imagine crazy scenarios where I am 200 lbs thinner and rich enough to warrant the person’s attention. Crazy stuff. How does this explain my sleeping in today? It is because I have nobody to obsess over. I can’t sleep without stories running like movies in my head. Considering I was reliving embarrassing moments the night before, I think I need to find something to obsess over…and soon…before I start throwing sharp objects.

                What’s so weird was I had almost convinced myself in high school that I would meet Duran Duran. That they would see me out in the nosebleed seats and bring me and my friends backstage. I had almost had myself convinced that they could FEEL me. That phase lasted a while. Every so often, I hear “Ordinary World” and remember the stories and antics that had come out of all of that.

                A few years ago, the obsession was a little closer to home. It was actually about someone I knew. I had actually succeeded in convincing myself that this guy had a special connection with me and that he felt it as strongly as I did.  I have had real-person crushes before that bordered on obsession, but this one I was actually convinced had felt the same.  Now that I look back, I realize that he was just using me for an ego-stroke. I mean, who really wants a 350 lb. married woman obsessing over them?

                So, I was lying in bed, trying to come up with someone to obsess over, and I realized the futility of it. I mean, this happens every once in a while: Reality sets in and I realize I will never have the impossibilities I imagine. That often leads to an onset of depression and anxiety that drives Hubby nuts. Eventually, I realize my need to obsess for my mental health and someone will catch my eye, and the cycle will start anew. So, until then, I will spend many hours trying to sleep, and not succeeding…

Wow.

Is this subject really blog-worthy? Hubby was just reading over my shoulder and he said to me, “Are you putting this in your blog?” NO shit, Sherlock. I am writing aimlessly about my inner brain for my own amusement. When I bugged him asking why he asked, he tells me that it’s not something HE would tell anyone he doesn’t know. DUDE. The whole point I started this thing was to show people just how weird I really am. I mean, I have talked about poisoning myself when I was 4, endlessly making Jilly run in fear from me when we were little, and an embarrassing kiss that still haunts me…

(On a side note….it must not have been too bad because…well, I remember making out with each of them later on…separately, of course, though….I can’t be THAT lucky! LOL)

                I write about everything. I am an open book, with the exception that I am not allowed to Hubby-bash (per his request.)

Hey, Hubby!

BONK!

You have been bashed.

Accomplishment and embarrassment

                I had trouble sleeping last night. It was probably due to the fact I went to bed much earlier than normal. As a result, I have gotten quite a bit accomplished. I have printed up resumes, got my past info and references in one spot, applied to a bunch of jobs online, and saw one prospect in a car dealership in Rittman. That would mean walking to work, which I could use the exercise. I am hoping to hit up the new Chipotle and Panera in Wadsworth tomorrow, if the father- in- law will drive me. I know the Chipotle in Medina is hiring, but that is just a bit too far away. Man, I wish I still lived in Brook Park. I was there over the weekend to visit my parents and it was really neat. I never realized just how much I miss that area sometimes. This time last year, I had considered moving back home and leaving Hubby. I decided to stay to keep from having to uproot Jocy again. She’s doing so well in school and she’s made so many friends…Moving would totally screw with her. Besides, even if I decided to move back to the area, I would have to find a place because with my bro moving back it leaves little room for me. I mean, Jocy has always had her own room there, but with Mom taking up the guest room and bro moving in downstairs it would be difficult for me to be there, too. Besides, I would miss the pool…

(That was a joke, BTW)

                Part of what kept me awake was my brain kept digging up old memories. It would be okay, except for some reason, my brain decides to relive some of the most embarrassing moments possible. I guess that is why I spend so much time trying to occupy my mind. I really do not want to relive these moments…for example, one of the ones from last night was my most embarrassing kiss. I was a young teen, and had one of my super crushes on a couple of guys in the neighborhood. Those guys were friends and hung out a lot. So, I am not clear on the details, but I wound up in the bathroom with both of them. They turned out the lights and one of them tried to kiss me. I was crazy-nervous and when I thought I felt tongue…well… I am pretty sure my brain short-circuited. I freaked out. The next thing I remember is running the entire way home, screaming, “EW-EW-EW-EW!” I believe I remember my sister laughing. I am pretty sure everyone was laughing. To this day, I wish I had reacted differently. Back then, I had the drive and want of a superslut….but, for some reason I also had the conscience of a nun. I am sure I often came off as a tease. Believe me, it was not intentional. I guess that is why I am so outgoing now; I embarrassed myself so much when I was younger, that it is pretty difficult to embarrass me now. I think Hubby tries to when he wears his tail everywhere, but I just shake my head and smile at him.

                Oh, and another reason why I can’t move back home: 

                                                              Their knives are not nearly sharp enough.

OKAY-self-pity rant over….for now…maybe…..

                I have noticed I got a comment on my last post that attempted to put me in my place. I get it; I am a whiny, unmotivated person. Okay, point taken, moving on.  (Oh, and By the way, I write to try to amuse-and I was trying to point out the futility of these endless work from home scams…and if I hadn’t known you for –like- ever … I would have been really hurt by that comment… right now it just stings a little :P) LOL. Anyway, onto the finals I just attempted to take. I think I did pretty well on one and totally flopped on the other. I just hope I can stick it out because BVR is helping pay the school for my education so that I can work with the degree I am getting.  That being said, and to go off of the last post’s comment… I have applied for the “menial jobs” and they all have either: 1) not called back, 2) are too far away, or 3) Need more experience that I don’t have. I have worked foodservice jobs most of my working life. I am not afraid of working a “menial” job while I am in pain-it just seems to limit how much I can do without running into the nearest cooler and screaming so no one hears me. If there were some of these jobs out where I live, I would be working them. I just can’t justify someone driving me more than half an hour to and from for work for minimum wage. The gas alone just eats up the money. (Just for kicks…Is anyone looking for a cook, baker, or security guard/fire officer? That is where I have some experience in…)  :P Sorry, I just get upset when people question my work ethic… AND I have had a grumpy week-

                I woke up Monday in a great mood, and woke up Tuesday ready to kill anything in my way and pretty much stayed that way the rest of the week. I don’t know why, but my usual sunny demeanor-pause for the laughing to end- has taken a turn for the worst. Seeing Jilly and the family yesterday helped out a lot. (By the way…Happy Father’s day to all of you Dads out there! You really have no idea how important you are!)

              I am really beginning to wonder if I am just antisocial. People just get to me. I think I take everything too personally. It doesn’t help that going up to the city has a bad effect on me. I want to run, screaming, because I just seem to get overwhelmed. I feel like everyone’s staring at the fat chick; like I am a sideshow at a carnival. (and before anyone comments…I am working on losing weight) I mean, realistically I know better, but that doesn’t keep the anxieties from running rampant. I mean, I guess that is why I was so shy in my school years. I felt ugly, fat, naïve and sometimes a bit invisible. Having to have a blind date for the prom didn’t help much with that. LOL. I have changed from that, though. I find now that I talk…A LOT. I think it’s the nerves. I am always self-conscious when I am talking, though….It’s like a constant internal dialogue- “Hey, don’t say that, they might think you are too weird! …Don’t do that, they might think you’re rude! … Don’t show them that, they don’t give a crap! … They have better things to do with their time than to chat with you!...They know how stupid you are, stop trying to sound so smart!”

And so on…It gets incapacitating sometimes. I try to bust up the negative self-talk, but it comes so naturally. Cooking helps. It always does. There is something so great about standing in front of that stove and just add things and taste and serve something awesome. Baking is the same. I made brownies yesterday, for my dad. Hubby and I were in an argument and if I hadn’t been baking, I probably would have thrown a knife at his head. I get those urges sometimes - To throw sharp things at people. I guess it’s because I know I’ll miss entirely. Anyway, I was baking, so things didn’t get thrown. I think that and when I am drawing toons that I am entirely not doing the negativity thing. I really don’t like being negative. It drags my soul down. I should do something about that….really…is that a spider on the ceiling? ACK, I hate spiders. I won’t even get close enough to kill them. How odd. I want to throw sharp things at some people, but I won’t kill a bug or spider. Maybe if people were icky and scary I wouldn’t want to throw things. Or maybe if I was sane…..yeah….right….what was I saying?

Job Wanted: Apply Within-Only serious Employers, Please.

                Now that my hermitage has gotten to all-new heights, I have embarked on yet another useless attempt to find a job to do from home. Okay, before people start spouting the fact that there are plenty of normal jobs out there, let me explain. I live in BFE. There are no buses out here, and every job available is at least about 5-10 miles away. Seeing as my only mode of transportation has been removed from existence, it makes finding work here even more difficult. I could get rides to and from, but considering what gas costs it would be useless with the fact that few jobs pay above 8 dollars an hour. If there are jobs available that pay enough for me to beg a ride, it involves continuous standing or walking. Considering the fact that a simple shopping trip renders me in pain for hours afterwards, I think that 8 hours on my feet for one day would make me immobile for about 3 days afterwards. Thus, why I am trying to find work from home. In this day of telecommuting and computer wizardry, I figured that would be simple. How wrong I was...

                First, the biggest problem I am having is the endless scams out there. If you have ever typed in “work from home” in a search engine, you know to what I am referring. These sites where you click on the listing, and after several clicks, you find that they are selling you a “training system” for anywhere from 20 to 100 bucks or more. I am sorry, but it is not a job if YOU have to pay THEM.  Then, I see an ad in the paper for assembly from home. I figure I am a crafty person. I can assemble stuff or stuff envelopes. Warning flag #1: there is only a phone number. So, I did some research online and did a reverse look-up of the number. Come to find out, it is a company with a failing rating with the BBB for unresolved customer complaints, and advertisement for being an employment agency when they aren’t one. Basically, they are another huge scam.

                Then, I find a diamond in the rough, or so it seems. I register for free for a job site that is just for work from home listings. I find some that look like real jobs, until I look further. The ones that are real jobs, all require Bachelor’s to Master’s degrees in finance or business. If I had one of these degrees, I would be sitting in an office doing work for good pay. I definitely wouldn’t be trying to find a work from home job. Then, I find a listing for a graphic designer. I think that this might just be what I have been looking for. I was so wrong. It was basically a printing service who will print your design for you to sell. If I was an effective sales person, I WOULD HAVE A JOB ALREADY. Ugh. Then I see a bunch of jobs that are for writers. Again, I think I might just have found something, until I notice that all of the listings are for the same place and they are looking for subjects that are totally out of my area of expertise…like sports or weather. I did find a few for personal assistants, but those were the ones who wanted degrees. I mean- really? Do I really need an MBA to write emails?

                So, I will embark on my journey yet again today. I am sick of being broke. Speaking of broke, I broke my chair yesterday. It really sucks, too because it took me forever to find a chair in the house that was the right height that didn’t squeeze my thighs and cause back pain. So, now I am stuck with a yoga ball as my seat. It was kinda funny, though. I leaned over to throw something in the garbage can and the chair just sort of melted under me. I wound up on the floor on my tushie. I needed my Bug-a-boo to help me get back up. She just giggled at me as she helped get the chair out of my way. Mind you, I have rescued this chair several times before, bending it back into place. This time, however, it was lost. The poor metal hollow tubes just couldn’t take the weight any longer....... which comes back to my job dilemma-
                                   How would I find an office with sturdy enough furniture?

Watch the bouncing baby....

                I got baby-fied yesterday. A relative brought over her 3 month old baby named Clover. Now, for some reason, she entrusted me with Clover. I sat there in the swing and just sighed with the memories of when mine was so little. Clover slept on me, mostly, and smiled a little at me. It was absolutely wonderful. I swear, when a baby is near I go to pieces and nothing else matters. SO. Today, when I heard said relative come over, I sat at the kitchen table and tried not to look as I concentrated on school work. If anyone knows me, they know that the concentrating thing doesn’t work well with me. It worked, though, as I did not get baby-fied today. Now, if only I could practice such avoidance tactics with food.

                I have been working on animating sequences in my Principles of Animation class. (Imagine that-working on animation in an animation class! Well, bust my buttons!) I have been using Li’l Jilly and Li’l Stacy for these sequences. I hope to post them soon. The one I just finished looks like a little girl anxious to get called on or raising her hand to go to the bathroom.

                I also have been on a mission to make money or acquire a vehicle without having to move my focus from school. SO if you see ads …it’s cuz I caved and am hoping to get some money from the clicky-ness. I signed up to drive an ad-wrapped vehicle…I hope I can get one. That would be cool. Unless it was an ad for condoms or something really lame. That would suck. ..

                Speaking of sucking, I am totally lacking in the funny department lately. It’s like someone came by and knocked me upside the head and all my funny fell out. It’s actually depressing. Maybe I will go and try to find a show to watch to get my mind off of it. I’m thinking a comedy is in order. .. Well, until next time…Ciao!

Don't mind me....I'm just trying to exist, here....

     These past couple of weeks have been crazy. From various hospital/doctor visits to vehicle issues, I have been on a roller coaster. One of these doctor visits revealed to me that I seriously need some help. I have gained so much weight that I am now 351 lbs. My knees are giving out, my back and legs are useless...blah, blah, blah. Unlike most people who have been on the diet train, I know what will help me. I need to avoid carbs...that's simple, right? NOT so much when you live in a society that thinks that sugars and starches are key to happiness. They are the bane of my existence. I am on day 1 of low/no carb diet and I was doing okay. Hubby's dad took me out to eat and I had a salad that was awesome...I order said salad and guess what it comes with....a choice of several types of breads. I had some banana bread....and ate it. ARGH! Okay, I had made an amazing dinner with Grilled chicken on salad....MMMMMMM. I was full and doing well. Then, at about 9 pm...Hubby comes down with a bowl full of chocolate ice cream, and if I know him, it was probably covered with crushed up cookies.  I was like, "REALLY!!!???" He had no idea why I was getting so pissy with him. In the meantime, my knee began to ache worse. I eventually blew up and went upstairs to try to find a recipe of something sweet that was under 5 or so carbs. No such luck, and as I am increasingly obsessing over craving something sweet, Hubby comes up and starts chowing on some cookies. "HELLOOOOO!?" Is he trying to kill me? I swear, he is bent on making this as difficult as possible on me. When I express this feeling, he starts complaining that I should not expect him to diet along with me for me to succeed. Luckily, Jilly is also on said low carbiness and doing well. So we find ourselves with the same problem. When we eat around other people, the people seem to think they need to shove carbs down our throats. SO, Jilly came up with an awesome idea...and that is to inform people that we are allergic to carbs. When I really think about it, we are. Carbs don't like us. They make us swell up until we can't breathe, it just takes longer than a bee sting. Our bodies don't know how to process carbs properly and so it turns it into fat. Considering that at this point, I could probably become disabled because of my weight, I have decided I want my life back. I am allergic to carbs. Deal with it. OH...and for some reason, the people who make cough drops seem to think the only flavor that should be available in sugar-free is the nasty "blue" flavor. REALLY!?

Money, death, and chocolate milk

     I hate being broke, but as I am a student, I am not working. I worked a total of 2 weeks last year. Unless I can find a way to sell my stuff without having to leave the house....I am SOL. That being said, we finally got out tax return. After a substantial amount was taken out due to Hubby's child support, we got a chunk of it back. I can now pay for my car insurance and repairs on said car. YAY.
   Now, I find I must now resist the temptation to run out to the store and buy things. I want a night guard to protect my teeth at night. I wake up after nightmares that I have ground my teeth into dust or snapped them in pieces. I want to spend money on a WIIfit game and accessories, mainly so that they can sit in the corner hoping to be played, as I think about playing, but then get distracted by something else far more interesting or shiny.I want a viola set, in order to try halfheartedly to remember what little I learned from 9 years of playing one in school. I want fabric, so that I can ask Jilly to make me one of the dresses she made from some CUTE fabric we saw at the store. I want to  be able to buy some weight-loss aids or pills that I can take in hopes of shedding some of the weight I have gained without having to go to a gym. (which would involve leaving the house...) I want to go see a movie...or several....or join netflix and therefore not have to leave the house.
    That all being said, here's what I will probably actually spend the money on: 1) Bills. Just the major ones that involve things we need. 2)Father-in-law. To pay back for all the atrocities he has to endure from our living under his roof. 3)Starwood. So that I get a chance to do SOMETHING this summer that seems fun. 4..and most expensive) GAS. For the cars. (and any extra car repairs, too)
    As I write this I am having a severely uncomfortable bout of heartburn. If I could even call it that. I ate too much at dinner and now all the food has enlarged my stomach, causing a lot of it to travel up my throat. As a result, I am having added pressure to the surrounding organs. Basically, I am having short pains in my heart area..like someone is stabbing me there. Through experience, I know it will go away when my stomach empties. Until then I either have to stand up or lie down. Basically because sitting causes extra squeezing. Logically, I know all of this but that doesn't help the little person in the back of my brain. Said little person is jumping up and down frantically while screaming.."YOU ARE GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" This little person also has a liking for chocolate milk. I think I will go shut her up now.....MMMMMM Chocolate milk!

Face Buried in 3Dness and Music, and Zombies!

   It's been a while since my last post. SO much has happened that I haven't had two minutes alone. First...there's school. I finally got the stubborn stick out of my butt and sat down and am really powering through my classes. I am totally loving my 3d modeling class. I am making some pretty cool things and it doesn't even feel like I am drawing....I am posting some examples. My life drawing for animation class is a little more difficult, but I am making it through okay. As I create these things, my mind starts bursting with ideas for stories and the things I could make. Then, I realize I need some music to spur it on. I found some music by "One Republic." These guys rock. So I sit here, hoping I won't burst with creativity any moment. As I do so, I am also gaming on FB and wonder if I should shower today. I hardly leave the house anymore, but I am sure Hubby would like me not to stink. I also downloaded the game "Plants Vs. Zombies" and have been wasting some major time playing it. It is addictive! They also have a feature where you can make your own "Zombatar." I am posting one of mine. It's funny, but that's how I feel some days! I have also managed to completely switch around my schedule yet again. It seems I am just destined to sleep during the day, no matter how hard I try to be a normal human and be awake during daylight.

 RAWR! I am a creature of the Evening!

Okay. I had to.
     I was also totally geeked to find out that my favorite blogger- (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/)- has updated her blog. She cracks me up! Little things make me happy. Don't complicate it, or I shall be thrown into an everlasting pit of confusion and eat your brains......

Insanity to SOUP

                I am seriously beginning to wonder if everyone is as paranoid as I am. Is it just me? I mean, I am realizing that I am AFRAID of communication with living beings. Anyone outside of my safe little circle of friends I am afraid to establish any contact with. I was just on facebook and was going through the “You may know” section and clicking to figure out if I do know these people.  I then ran across some people I knew in school. I clicked on “add as a friend” on them and panicked.  The first thought was, “Wouldn’t it be cool if I started chatting with someone and I got to be like, really good friends!!?” Then, this thought showed up:

                “NO. because then they would try to IM you and you know how you HATE it when people IM you at the wrong times and you NEVER have something witty or clever to say to them and you get all frustrated and they decide you are still a loser because you won’t talk…and what if they decided they wanted to meet up? Then you would have to LEAVE THE HOUSE! And then they will see just how FAT you are now. NONONONO. Just stay here in your comfort zone. Strange people are bad. They might eat you. Or worse, they might stab you repeatedly while calling you insulting names and laughing maniacally with your blood dripping off of their noses.”

SOUP!

                Then I think…”That would make a cool post.” So here I am....Hoping that people will read what an insane hermit I really am. As I make French onion soup from scratch. MMMMMM. Oniony goodness.  OH! Someone accepted my friend request! Wonder if they’d actually talk to me. You see, I am desperate for social interaction while being deathly afraid of it. My coping mechanism? You guessed it, it’s food. You don’t have to think of anything to say when you are shoving your faces with food. Or, even better, the food itself is so amazing that it gives you something to talk about. I would love to have dinner parties. As long as the people don’t stay too long and don’t mind the 80 year-old in the TV room. Do people even HAVE dinner parties anymore? What about dances or formals or balls? I would LOVE to hold a Masquerade Ball somewhere. It seems the only things the people I hang with do are drum circles, hippie festivals, and sitting around people’s houses listening to music. Now, I like these things, but wouldn’t it be awesome to have a huge party and just dress however we like and have a reason to wear the nice clothes we have hanging in our closets, gathering dust? Also, I would totally cater. I love to cook. I used to, every year on my birthday; cook a HUUUUGE pot of French Onion soup.  Then I would invite my friends over. Some of my friends would come over just for my soup.  Yes. I would bribe people to come over for my birthday with soup.  

Introducing...

    Everyone, meet Lil' Jilly and Lil' Stacy! I figure I will be talking about what I do remember from when I was little. This means I will be talking about my one and only little sister, Jill, a lot. I have previously described her as "a sturdy bubble of cheeriness and attitude.." or something like that. Anyway, she is two years younger than I am and she was my everything when we were little. I was the worst to her, too. When she was two, I got mad at her and pushed her off a swing. I broke her collarbone. Then there was the time, I think she was about four or so, when she decided she wanted to use our dresser to look out the window. Loving sister that I was, I thought I should pull the dresser out from under her. She had her arms crossed on the sill. Neither one of us knew there was a nail poking out of the molding around the sill. When I pulled said dresser from under her, I expected her to fall. She didn't. A nail had snagged her under her armpit and she hung there. I hung her by her armpit by a nail. Yeah...what a wonderful sister. She still has the scar. Anyway, I have been neck deep in my markers today and I sketched up what I will be using to illustrate my stories. I have some tweaking to do...like to actually make it look like Jill's using pockets and not sticking her hands down her pants. Let me know what you think! :)

Ideas....

I love my little sister. She's this sturdy bubble of cheeriness with attitude. It's marvelous. I was a very shy person when we were little,and many if the friends I made back then was because of her. Mostly because my mother had sent me to go look for her. It always seems that she and I go on our outlet shopping trips on the worst day possible. It's usually in the Spring, and it's when it is freezing outside. If you have ever shopped at Lodi or Aurora Farms, you would know that there's no warm and toasty indoor mall to roam around in. It's sister time, so we do it. Any way, my sister, in her awesomeness, has becometo addicted to a particular brand of shoe. As a result, I have now received two pairs of these shoes for my birthday and Christmas. (Mary Jane style for birthday and winter furry lined style for Christmas...) Let me say...I now LIVE in these shoes. They are beyond comfortable. Being someone of significant girth, comfort while on my feet is a godsend. Any way, I noticed on an ad that they now make shaping/ rocker/ walking style of said shoe brand. I want it. So. On our latest outletmall trip, we went to the Croc store. I did not find the shaping shoe but I am throwing away all other shoes and buying only them from now on. (Not really...I mean...maybe not...) They did have the cutest styles and if I had unlimited money I would buy quite a few pairs. My sister had bought my hubby a pair of the furry lined of these shoes. He likes them, too. Which leads to the idea part of this post....he said "They need to make these in steel-toed workshoes." Thus I get the idea......

Adventure - Mushroomland

I have always wondered about myself. My brother told me once that he was concerned that I would be the one experimenting with drugs and being all “Far OUT , man..” Until the ripe age of 26, I refused to touch any drug that wasn’t prescribed. I drank alcohol, but I can still count my “way too drunk” episodes on one hand. I was almost to the point of “Goody two shoes.” Then I met the-now-Hubby. I experimented. Now I realize why drugs had very little hold on me. It turned out to be nothing more than a tired me. I haven’t hallucinated, and I am really no more paranoid than normal, just with the drug(s) I am more relaxed and show it. It’s like drinking without the sick stomach. I am in no way condoning the use of any illegal substances. I mean, I am an adult and I choose to do an occasional stupid thing. That’s on me. Anyway, I digress. This is all set up for a short little tale from my childhood. I have heard that after doing a certain number of hits of acid, one can be considered insane. The stuff like, rewires the brain or something. Once, while on a small “trip” I wondered: could something that had happened to me as a child have effected how drugs affect me in adulthood? I asked Hubby. He just kinda nodded and shrugged. Now onto the story…

Let me begin by saying I was four. My only actual memory of the incident was thinking, “Mommy doesn’t have to buy mushrooms any more…”

Apparently, I ate a toadstool from the backyard. To this day, I have no idea how my parents found out. I think they saw me eat it. My Dad tells the story and he paints a picture of him feeding me fizzy things and shaking me upside down. Apparently, I have steel for a stomach. No matter how sick I feel, I don’t throw up. It sucks. The only thing that makes me hurl is severe pain. I learned that later on in life. So there I was, thinking I found something fantastic, and my parents are doing whatever they can to make me throw it up. This leads to me having to take several doses of Ipecac…which is also a poison. I am not clear on how I received more than one dose. I know at least one dose was given by my parents and another by some sort of medical person…my guess is at the hospital. So there I was, triple-poisoned, and still not making with the upchucking. I have been told I had to have my stomach pumped. Something tells me I should be glad I don’t remember the experience.

It does make me wonder if the chemicals coursing through me during that incident still affect me. I mean, Mom said it was a toadstool….I remember thinking ...”MUSHROOMS!” I have always been a slightly “off” child. (see below) I don’t remember much from my childhood, either. I remember the injuries…one of which involved my ankle tangling with bike spokes while the bike was still moving…and then there was the time I got my knee caught on a nail as I rounded a corner… I believe the term often used was “accident prone.” My ability to injure wasn’t restricted to only me, either…but that is another blog subject entirely! I remember spending most of my time in a slight dream state. It seriously makes me wonder… “Do I really need any drugs?!”

<----See, I found an old report card. I march to my own drummer...yeppers...that'd be me!