OKAY-self-pity rant over….for now…maybe…..

                I have noticed I got a comment on my last post that attempted to put me in my place. I get it; I am a whiny, unmotivated person. Okay, point taken, moving on.  (Oh, and By the way, I write to try to amuse-and I was trying to point out the futility of these endless work from home scams…and if I hadn’t known you for –like- ever … I would have been really hurt by that comment… right now it just stings a little :P) LOL. Anyway, onto the finals I just attempted to take. I think I did pretty well on one and totally flopped on the other. I just hope I can stick it out because BVR is helping pay the school for my education so that I can work with the degree I am getting.  That being said, and to go off of the last post’s comment… I have applied for the “menial jobs” and they all have either: 1) not called back, 2) are too far away, or 3) Need more experience that I don’t have. I have worked foodservice jobs most of my working life. I am not afraid of working a “menial” job while I am in pain-it just seems to limit how much I can do without running into the nearest cooler and screaming so no one hears me. If there were some of these jobs out where I live, I would be working them. I just can’t justify someone driving me more than half an hour to and from for work for minimum wage. The gas alone just eats up the money. (Just for kicks…Is anyone looking for a cook, baker, or security guard/fire officer? That is where I have some experience in…)  :P Sorry, I just get upset when people question my work ethic… AND I have had a grumpy week-

                I woke up Monday in a great mood, and woke up Tuesday ready to kill anything in my way and pretty much stayed that way the rest of the week. I don’t know why, but my usual sunny demeanor-pause for the laughing to end- has taken a turn for the worst. Seeing Jilly and the family yesterday helped out a lot. (By the way…Happy Father’s day to all of you Dads out there! You really have no idea how important you are!)

              I am really beginning to wonder if I am just antisocial. People just get to me. I think I take everything too personally. It doesn’t help that going up to the city has a bad effect on me. I want to run, screaming, because I just seem to get overwhelmed. I feel like everyone’s staring at the fat chick; like I am a sideshow at a carnival. (and before anyone comments…I am working on losing weight) I mean, realistically I know better, but that doesn’t keep the anxieties from running rampant. I mean, I guess that is why I was so shy in my school years. I felt ugly, fat, naïve and sometimes a bit invisible. Having to have a blind date for the prom didn’t help much with that. LOL. I have changed from that, though. I find now that I talk…A LOT. I think it’s the nerves. I am always self-conscious when I am talking, though….It’s like a constant internal dialogue- “Hey, don’t say that, they might think you are too weird! …Don’t do that, they might think you’re rude! … Don’t show them that, they don’t give a crap! … They have better things to do with their time than to chat with you!...They know how stupid you are, stop trying to sound so smart!”

And so on…It gets incapacitating sometimes. I try to bust up the negative self-talk, but it comes so naturally. Cooking helps. It always does. There is something so great about standing in front of that stove and just add things and taste and serve something awesome. Baking is the same. I made brownies yesterday, for my dad. Hubby and I were in an argument and if I hadn’t been baking, I probably would have thrown a knife at his head. I get those urges sometimes - To throw sharp things at people. I guess it’s because I know I’ll miss entirely. Anyway, I was baking, so things didn’t get thrown. I think that and when I am drawing toons that I am entirely not doing the negativity thing. I really don’t like being negative. It drags my soul down. I should do something about that….really…is that a spider on the ceiling? ACK, I hate spiders. I won’t even get close enough to kill them. How odd. I want to throw sharp things at some people, but I won’t kill a bug or spider. Maybe if people were icky and scary I wouldn’t want to throw things. Or maybe if I was sane…..yeah….right….what was I saying?