Situation is a No-Go

                Okay. I have decided that there are three things I will NOT discuss on this blog:

1) Religion: Because there are too many people who believe that their way is the only way and are willing to argue about it. I am WAY too easy to spur into an argument, so I will not discuss it.

2) Politics: See #1.

3) Sex: Well, not all sex, just the stuff involving monogamy and stuff like that. This is a recent addition due to an earlier post that I have since deleted due to the backlash I have gotten. In other words…See #1.

                Now, I might touch upon these issues if I see something worth saying and have decided to break my own rules. It’s my blog, I am allowed. Other than that, I will not be spurred into any more debates or arguments about the above topics. I get too crazy, and I like myself sane. I’m at least a little funny when I am trying to be sane. Insanity has its perks, too, but right now I can’t afford to spend a week in the hospital because I have decided that some person was too stupid to be in my presence and I had to remove them as soon as possible. I know that sounds elitist, but I get that way sometimes.

                The other night, I could not sleep. After taking melatonin, I spent three hours in my bed trying to figure out how Hubby manages not to render me deaf with his snoring every night. At about 3am, I thought I’d go online and putz around. I did, and tried going back to bed. At about 430, my brain decided it wanted to try to figure out how to sew a dress together, and would not rest until I had gotten up and sewn, by hand, fabric to an old skirt to create a dress. Now, I don’t really sew, so this was quite a feat to try so early in the morning. When Hubby got up at 6am, I was still awake. It was not a good night. My brain does that sometimes. It decides that I am going to figure something out, and then REFUSES TO REST until said thing is done or at least worked on. This often leads to several nights of very little sleep, and if the subject is something I cannot handle or complete at that time (like wanting to hook up with a person or calling to take care of appointments), NO sleep at all. The odd thing is, if it is sunrise or sunset I drop off without a problem. I have gotten into the habit of taking double the dose of melatonin lately. So far, it has been working. Let’s just hope that my brain doesn’t latch onto something impossible to do. 

aaaaand...switch! Change of pace....

                Okay, now for a switch of pace. I have been working on the concepts for Capt. Save-a-Ho and SuperSlut. I have some preliminary drawings done, but they need a lot of tweaking. Basically, it goes like this:

                Average Joe dons a cape to become Capt. Save-a-Ho. His goal is to rescue damsels in distress. He flies everywhere to help women everywhere. Problem is, he never gets the girl. After rescue, they run back to their abusive/parolee/drug-addicted boyfriends/husbands that they needed rescuing from to begin with. Joe returns home, hangs up his cape and swears never to pick it up again. That is, until another damsel is distressing.

                Plain Jane often plays wingman to her friends, snatching up the guy her friends didn’t want. She becomes SuperSlut, and her life’s mission is to sex that man into bliss and prove to him that she is worth his time. Usually, this ends up with her leaving his place in the middle of the night or ending up in a bad relationship that she can’t seem to find her way out of. Jane returns back home, often alone, and swears off men entirely. That is, until a few daiquiris cause her to think otherwise.

                Average Joe and Plain Jane just happened to be friends, and are the only ones who know about the others’ alter egos. They had tried a relationship, but it just didn’t work out. Their need to aid the abused and/ or sexually frustrated often got in the way. (I am even considering a plotline where Superslut distracts the damsel’s boyfriend so that Save-a-Ho can rescue said damsel.)

                The visual concepts involve corseting on the verge of popping, boots, and (of course) a cape for the Capt, way too much cleavage showing for SS, and maybe even “Hero Hair” for the Capt. I am not sure about some details, like hair color or if I should make the heroes hot-looking.

                Well, there it is…here's a black and white rough draft of SuperSlut.

Soundtrack of life

                I have a constant soundtrack to my life. Pretty much anything made by Duran Duran could bring back memories of high school. The Bangles’ Greatest hits play in the background of some of that time, as well. Evanescence dominates my late twenties until about thirty. I still can’t listen to Bon Jovi’s “Blaze of Glory” without having fond memories. “Life is a Highway” (the original), “Sadeness” by Enigma and “November Rain” was the soundtrack to my summer visit to Nebraska when I lost my virginity. Anything by Meatloaf will forever remind me of the theater crowd at high school, cast parties, and Rocky Horror Picture Show. “Separate Ways” by Journey, Clannad, and Styx still holds memories of Kansas and my friends there. (As well as a crush…big surprise there!) Metallica and Bryan Adams discographies will remind me of my daughter’s father and my journey back home. Godsmack and Linkin Park will carry with it the beginning of my marriage. Now, it is One Republic’s turn. I sit here, typing away and remembering so much. It makes me wish I could turn back time and relive some moments. The moments where I should have bitten the bullet and spoken up I could remedy. The moments I cherish to this day, I could stand back and enjoy again. I think everyone, at some point in their lives, feel this way. What song will be playing? What is your life’s soundtrack? Here’s some of mine:

http://youtu.be/z7U3YWD_KWo      http://youtu.be/I7u1A5V8NcU   http://youtu.be/OxQeJsFLGmY

http://youtu.be/MfmYCM4CS8o    http://youtu.be/U3sMjm9Eloo    http://youtu.be/2A4Km5PTu5o

http://youtu.be/5anLPw0Efmo   http://youtu.be/P9jCCN1e64M   http://youtu.be/QGJuMBdaqIw

A little break from format here...

Two posts in one day! I thought I'd share this with all of you:

I miss summer days and ice cream.

I miss being naïve and wondering why a boy would put my textbook down his pants.

I miss lazy afternoons doing things I probably shouldn’t.

I miss the first kiss, innocent and exciting.

I miss just hanging out hoping a guy will notice me.

I miss working so hard that I just come home and relax, feeling accomplished.

I miss a world of chasing each other around and giggling.

I miss swimming in the pool and pretending I’m a mermaid.

I miss dancing on the dance floor and not noticing if people are staring.

I miss the feeling of a sleeping baby on my chest.

I miss running free without adults around.

I miss exploring and pretending I’m in another world.

I miss hanging out backstage and feeling at home.

I miss big brothers and little sisters and annoying the crap out of each other.

I miss dressing up.

I miss not having anything to worry about but grades.

I miss the touch of teenage lust on the couch.

I miss scary stories of ghosts and monsters.

Out of all of these things that I miss,

What I miss the most…

 is me and what I used to be.

Old friends, nasal bugs, and running out of time….

                What an odd time for me right now. I am dealing with an oncoming obsession, which can be a good thing for my writing and sleeping habits, but bad for my mental state. What’s cool is that I also have touched base with a friend I met a couple of years back. Actually, I met her and her Mom. Joyce and Maddy are pretty much the sweetest, neatest Mom and daughter combo. I am happy to call them friends. Maddy is in her teens and a budding artist. Joyce is this rough, funny, and overall awesome lady. Maddy caught me on facebook and I invited them over. She seems excited. To add to the awesomeness, an old friend has gotten back in touch with me and I am really cool about it. I just hope that being in a good mood doesn’t ruin my funny, although if last night is any indication-I think I’ll do just fine.

                Last night, I am trying to think of something really thought –provoking or deep or even cryptic to write as my status on Facebook, and a bug flew up my nose. After snorting a few times to clear the bug, I just wrote it. It actually came out funnier after it was written. Sometimes, you just can’t make this stuff up.

                Crap, it’s almost 4 and I am still not out of my lounger/nightgown. Damn facebook and their addictive games and friends messaging! Well, I should bounce and start drawing the characters I want to post….Coming Soon! The Adventures of Captain Save-A-Ho and SuperSlut!

Rambling....

                Okay, I have been sucked into the world of facebook games yet again. That’s okay, because when school starts back up, I will be culling my games again. Until then, I will kill time playing games and looking for work. I applied at another place today. I am just hoping that getting the job will help me get a car so that I can be free again. This whole depending on others is getting really old really quick. Anyway, I was struggling with some thoughts last night and even though I got off the computer around 230 ish, I still was awake until almost 4. Needless to say, it got me off to a slow start today. I did vacuum today, so there’s one accomplishment. LOL. Oh, and even though he doesn’t read my blog, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my wonderful Dad. He means the world to me and I am happy to have him make it another year, despite the health issues and drama this year. Here’s a drink- to many more years!

                I am getting some serious cabin fever. I am having a birthday cookout for my Father-in-law and Dad this Sunday. I just hope that the weather is good on that day. Sometimes I think that’s what keeps me from leaving Hubby- I really like my Father-in-law. He’s a really neat 81 year old man.  We get along pretty well. I am seriously considering relocating. There are few jobs out here, and I would like to live on my own for once in my life. Jocy, however, would hate me for life if I took her out of Rittman. I don’t know. I said this last year, too. All I know is that despite what a sweetheart Hubby can be, there are other things driving me away. Oh, crap. I just went all sad and depressing…..SUBJECT CHANGE!

                Because of something I said a couple of posts ago; I have an idea for a comic that I will post here. I just have to draw it up. I think it’s funny. I hope you guys do, too. Until then, I will just post a new toon of “Big Stacy.” She will be part of the whole new comic, kind of a play on an “alter ego” thing. I have decided to work by hand, and then scan the stuff in, at least, until I can get a tablet to use. Drawing with a mouse sucks total donkey dick. Dude, I hope such language is allowed….am I allowed to say “dick?” Anyway, time to go harvest some lemonade bushes in my “Monster World” game.

                

I kissed a….what?!

                Okay, I was going to write a rant about polyamory vs. monogamy (my side being the poly part) but have decided to change my topic because I had the WEIRDEST dream last night. I mean, I have weird dreams anyway, but this one kind of takes the prize.

I kissed a ghost.

                Yeah, I know that needs some explaining. In my dream, I was called to a woman’s house named Mrs. Ford. She was calling on me to help her with a ghost problem. Apparently, something was messing up her late husband’s office and scaring her 12 year old son. Every time she neatly ordered everything, things would rip and tear off the bulletin boards and mess up the drawers. So, in I came and did a simple blessing of the office to try to get a better picture. When that didn’t work, I turned to Mrs. Ford and asked her if maybe her husband wanted his office kept messy. She sheepishly asked me how I knew that. She then explains that he had died recently, and that he was part Native American. (Why I remember that I have no idea.) Anyway, while she leaves to pick her son up from school, I decide to meditate on the subject. This is when MR. Ford decides to make his appearance. Honestly, I do not remember what he looked like, but I remember having a severe attraction. He spoke to me, and then corpo------I can’t remember the word-----He became flesh and blood, or well, more solid. He pulled me closer and kissed me and ….wow. I just remember feeling amazing about the whole thing, which kind of freaked me out. In the dream, Mrs. Ford returns home to see her husband in the room. (She apparently missed the kissing part.) She freaks out and sends me away. The son looks at me with a worried look on his face. Fast forward halfway through a totally different dream where I am planning a huge party at my parents. I was making chicken cordon bleu, and remember having 5 huge bags of chicken in the freezer. Now, at first it seems to be warm out. Suddenly, Mrs. Ford pulls up into my parents’ driveway in silver PT Cruiser and runs up to me. She has her dead-again- husband frozen in the car. That’s when I realize she’s too drunk to drive and she wants me to drive to bury her second-dead husband, oh…and that it is the middle of a huge blizzard. Never in this dream do I ask her why her husband is dead. I can just see he is frozen solid. So, I get in the car and notice that the son is actually sitting under the body, not reacting at all. I pull away down the street, slipping and sliding the whole way. That is where everything fades out. The feeling that stuck, though, is how that kiss felt. Man, I must be desperate for male attention other than Hubby’s.

 Heh heh…I should write a parody of that song, “I Kissed a Girl” and change it to: “I Kissed a Ghost.” 

“I kissed a ghost, and I liked it……”

Once a day...too much? Comment and let me know...This one's titled "Obsessions"

Okay, I am trying to post once a day now. I spent most of today in bed. Why did I do such a thing? Well, that’s because of a little unhealthy hobby I have. Those who know me closely know that I obsess. I don’t mean the, “OOOH! He’s hot I’m gonna watch every movie he’s in and listen to all of his albums!” Mind you, I do watch and listen and all that, but I tend to take it a step further. I steep myself in everything having to do with the person until burnout commences. I write stories and fantasize about them. I imagine crazy scenarios where I am 200 lbs thinner and rich enough to warrant the person’s attention. Crazy stuff. How does this explain my sleeping in today? It is because I have nobody to obsess over. I can’t sleep without stories running like movies in my head. Considering I was reliving embarrassing moments the night before, I think I need to find something to obsess over…and soon…before I start throwing sharp objects.

                What’s so weird was I had almost convinced myself in high school that I would meet Duran Duran. That they would see me out in the nosebleed seats and bring me and my friends backstage. I had almost had myself convinced that they could FEEL me. That phase lasted a while. Every so often, I hear “Ordinary World” and remember the stories and antics that had come out of all of that.

                A few years ago, the obsession was a little closer to home. It was actually about someone I knew. I had actually succeeded in convincing myself that this guy had a special connection with me and that he felt it as strongly as I did.  I have had real-person crushes before that bordered on obsession, but this one I was actually convinced had felt the same.  Now that I look back, I realize that he was just using me for an ego-stroke. I mean, who really wants a 350 lb. married woman obsessing over them?

                So, I was lying in bed, trying to come up with someone to obsess over, and I realized the futility of it. I mean, this happens every once in a while: Reality sets in and I realize I will never have the impossibilities I imagine. That often leads to an onset of depression and anxiety that drives Hubby nuts. Eventually, I realize my need to obsess for my mental health and someone will catch my eye, and the cycle will start anew. So, until then, I will spend many hours trying to sleep, and not succeeding…

Wow.

Is this subject really blog-worthy? Hubby was just reading over my shoulder and he said to me, “Are you putting this in your blog?” NO shit, Sherlock. I am writing aimlessly about my inner brain for my own amusement. When I bugged him asking why he asked, he tells me that it’s not something HE would tell anyone he doesn’t know. DUDE. The whole point I started this thing was to show people just how weird I really am. I mean, I have talked about poisoning myself when I was 4, endlessly making Jilly run in fear from me when we were little, and an embarrassing kiss that still haunts me…

(On a side note….it must not have been too bad because…well, I remember making out with each of them later on…separately, of course, though….I can’t be THAT lucky! LOL)

                I write about everything. I am an open book, with the exception that I am not allowed to Hubby-bash (per his request.)

Hey, Hubby!

BONK!

You have been bashed.

Accomplishment and embarrassment

                I had trouble sleeping last night. It was probably due to the fact I went to bed much earlier than normal. As a result, I have gotten quite a bit accomplished. I have printed up resumes, got my past info and references in one spot, applied to a bunch of jobs online, and saw one prospect in a car dealership in Rittman. That would mean walking to work, which I could use the exercise. I am hoping to hit up the new Chipotle and Panera in Wadsworth tomorrow, if the father- in- law will drive me. I know the Chipotle in Medina is hiring, but that is just a bit too far away. Man, I wish I still lived in Brook Park. I was there over the weekend to visit my parents and it was really neat. I never realized just how much I miss that area sometimes. This time last year, I had considered moving back home and leaving Hubby. I decided to stay to keep from having to uproot Jocy again. She’s doing so well in school and she’s made so many friends…Moving would totally screw with her. Besides, even if I decided to move back to the area, I would have to find a place because with my bro moving back it leaves little room for me. I mean, Jocy has always had her own room there, but with Mom taking up the guest room and bro moving in downstairs it would be difficult for me to be there, too. Besides, I would miss the pool…

(That was a joke, BTW)

                Part of what kept me awake was my brain kept digging up old memories. It would be okay, except for some reason, my brain decides to relive some of the most embarrassing moments possible. I guess that is why I spend so much time trying to occupy my mind. I really do not want to relive these moments…for example, one of the ones from last night was my most embarrassing kiss. I was a young teen, and had one of my super crushes on a couple of guys in the neighborhood. Those guys were friends and hung out a lot. So, I am not clear on the details, but I wound up in the bathroom with both of them. They turned out the lights and one of them tried to kiss me. I was crazy-nervous and when I thought I felt tongue…well… I am pretty sure my brain short-circuited. I freaked out. The next thing I remember is running the entire way home, screaming, “EW-EW-EW-EW!” I believe I remember my sister laughing. I am pretty sure everyone was laughing. To this day, I wish I had reacted differently. Back then, I had the drive and want of a superslut….but, for some reason I also had the conscience of a nun. I am sure I often came off as a tease. Believe me, it was not intentional. I guess that is why I am so outgoing now; I embarrassed myself so much when I was younger, that it is pretty difficult to embarrass me now. I think Hubby tries to when he wears his tail everywhere, but I just shake my head and smile at him.

                Oh, and another reason why I can’t move back home: 

                                                              Their knives are not nearly sharp enough.

OKAY-self-pity rant over….for now…maybe…..

                I have noticed I got a comment on my last post that attempted to put me in my place. I get it; I am a whiny, unmotivated person. Okay, point taken, moving on.  (Oh, and By the way, I write to try to amuse-and I was trying to point out the futility of these endless work from home scams…and if I hadn’t known you for –like- ever … I would have been really hurt by that comment… right now it just stings a little :P) LOL. Anyway, onto the finals I just attempted to take. I think I did pretty well on one and totally flopped on the other. I just hope I can stick it out because BVR is helping pay the school for my education so that I can work with the degree I am getting.  That being said, and to go off of the last post’s comment… I have applied for the “menial jobs” and they all have either: 1) not called back, 2) are too far away, or 3) Need more experience that I don’t have. I have worked foodservice jobs most of my working life. I am not afraid of working a “menial” job while I am in pain-it just seems to limit how much I can do without running into the nearest cooler and screaming so no one hears me. If there were some of these jobs out where I live, I would be working them. I just can’t justify someone driving me more than half an hour to and from for work for minimum wage. The gas alone just eats up the money. (Just for kicks…Is anyone looking for a cook, baker, or security guard/fire officer? That is where I have some experience in…)  :P Sorry, I just get upset when people question my work ethic… AND I have had a grumpy week-

                I woke up Monday in a great mood, and woke up Tuesday ready to kill anything in my way and pretty much stayed that way the rest of the week. I don’t know why, but my usual sunny demeanor-pause for the laughing to end- has taken a turn for the worst. Seeing Jilly and the family yesterday helped out a lot. (By the way…Happy Father’s day to all of you Dads out there! You really have no idea how important you are!)

              I am really beginning to wonder if I am just antisocial. People just get to me. I think I take everything too personally. It doesn’t help that going up to the city has a bad effect on me. I want to run, screaming, because I just seem to get overwhelmed. I feel like everyone’s staring at the fat chick; like I am a sideshow at a carnival. (and before anyone comments…I am working on losing weight) I mean, realistically I know better, but that doesn’t keep the anxieties from running rampant. I mean, I guess that is why I was so shy in my school years. I felt ugly, fat, naïve and sometimes a bit invisible. Having to have a blind date for the prom didn’t help much with that. LOL. I have changed from that, though. I find now that I talk…A LOT. I think it’s the nerves. I am always self-conscious when I am talking, though….It’s like a constant internal dialogue- “Hey, don’t say that, they might think you are too weird! …Don’t do that, they might think you’re rude! … Don’t show them that, they don’t give a crap! … They have better things to do with their time than to chat with you!...They know how stupid you are, stop trying to sound so smart!”

And so on…It gets incapacitating sometimes. I try to bust up the negative self-talk, but it comes so naturally. Cooking helps. It always does. There is something so great about standing in front of that stove and just add things and taste and serve something awesome. Baking is the same. I made brownies yesterday, for my dad. Hubby and I were in an argument and if I hadn’t been baking, I probably would have thrown a knife at his head. I get those urges sometimes - To throw sharp things at people. I guess it’s because I know I’ll miss entirely. Anyway, I was baking, so things didn’t get thrown. I think that and when I am drawing toons that I am entirely not doing the negativity thing. I really don’t like being negative. It drags my soul down. I should do something about that….really…is that a spider on the ceiling? ACK, I hate spiders. I won’t even get close enough to kill them. How odd. I want to throw sharp things at some people, but I won’t kill a bug or spider. Maybe if people were icky and scary I wouldn’t want to throw things. Or maybe if I was sane…..yeah….right….what was I saying?

Job Wanted: Apply Within-Only serious Employers, Please.

                Now that my hermitage has gotten to all-new heights, I have embarked on yet another useless attempt to find a job to do from home. Okay, before people start spouting the fact that there are plenty of normal jobs out there, let me explain. I live in BFE. There are no buses out here, and every job available is at least about 5-10 miles away. Seeing as my only mode of transportation has been removed from existence, it makes finding work here even more difficult. I could get rides to and from, but considering what gas costs it would be useless with the fact that few jobs pay above 8 dollars an hour. If there are jobs available that pay enough for me to beg a ride, it involves continuous standing or walking. Considering the fact that a simple shopping trip renders me in pain for hours afterwards, I think that 8 hours on my feet for one day would make me immobile for about 3 days afterwards. Thus, why I am trying to find work from home. In this day of telecommuting and computer wizardry, I figured that would be simple. How wrong I was...

                First, the biggest problem I am having is the endless scams out there. If you have ever typed in “work from home” in a search engine, you know to what I am referring. These sites where you click on the listing, and after several clicks, you find that they are selling you a “training system” for anywhere from 20 to 100 bucks or more. I am sorry, but it is not a job if YOU have to pay THEM.  Then, I see an ad in the paper for assembly from home. I figure I am a crafty person. I can assemble stuff or stuff envelopes. Warning flag #1: there is only a phone number. So, I did some research online and did a reverse look-up of the number. Come to find out, it is a company with a failing rating with the BBB for unresolved customer complaints, and advertisement for being an employment agency when they aren’t one. Basically, they are another huge scam.

                Then, I find a diamond in the rough, or so it seems. I register for free for a job site that is just for work from home listings. I find some that look like real jobs, until I look further. The ones that are real jobs, all require Bachelor’s to Master’s degrees in finance or business. If I had one of these degrees, I would be sitting in an office doing work for good pay. I definitely wouldn’t be trying to find a work from home job. Then, I find a listing for a graphic designer. I think that this might just be what I have been looking for. I was so wrong. It was basically a printing service who will print your design for you to sell. If I was an effective sales person, I WOULD HAVE A JOB ALREADY. Ugh. Then I see a bunch of jobs that are for writers. Again, I think I might just have found something, until I notice that all of the listings are for the same place and they are looking for subjects that are totally out of my area of expertise…like sports or weather. I did find a few for personal assistants, but those were the ones who wanted degrees. I mean- really? Do I really need an MBA to write emails?

                So, I will embark on my journey yet again today. I am sick of being broke. Speaking of broke, I broke my chair yesterday. It really sucks, too because it took me forever to find a chair in the house that was the right height that didn’t squeeze my thighs and cause back pain. So, now I am stuck with a yoga ball as my seat. It was kinda funny, though. I leaned over to throw something in the garbage can and the chair just sort of melted under me. I wound up on the floor on my tushie. I needed my Bug-a-boo to help me get back up. She just giggled at me as she helped get the chair out of my way. Mind you, I have rescued this chair several times before, bending it back into place. This time, however, it was lost. The poor metal hollow tubes just couldn’t take the weight any longer....... which comes back to my job dilemma-
                                   How would I find an office with sturdy enough furniture?

Watch the bouncing baby....

                I got baby-fied yesterday. A relative brought over her 3 month old baby named Clover. Now, for some reason, she entrusted me with Clover. I sat there in the swing and just sighed with the memories of when mine was so little. Clover slept on me, mostly, and smiled a little at me. It was absolutely wonderful. I swear, when a baby is near I go to pieces and nothing else matters. SO. Today, when I heard said relative come over, I sat at the kitchen table and tried not to look as I concentrated on school work. If anyone knows me, they know that the concentrating thing doesn’t work well with me. It worked, though, as I did not get baby-fied today. Now, if only I could practice such avoidance tactics with food.

                I have been working on animating sequences in my Principles of Animation class. (Imagine that-working on animation in an animation class! Well, bust my buttons!) I have been using Li’l Jilly and Li’l Stacy for these sequences. I hope to post them soon. The one I just finished looks like a little girl anxious to get called on or raising her hand to go to the bathroom.

                I also have been on a mission to make money or acquire a vehicle without having to move my focus from school. SO if you see ads …it’s cuz I caved and am hoping to get some money from the clicky-ness. I signed up to drive an ad-wrapped vehicle…I hope I can get one. That would be cool. Unless it was an ad for condoms or something really lame. That would suck. ..

                Speaking of sucking, I am totally lacking in the funny department lately. It’s like someone came by and knocked me upside the head and all my funny fell out. It’s actually depressing. Maybe I will go and try to find a show to watch to get my mind off of it. I’m thinking a comedy is in order. .. Well, until next time…Ciao!