I have been slowly approaching a new phase in my life, as many of you who actually know me already know...(all 5 of you..LOL) This week, it will be gaining momentum. I am checking out a place that sounds promising. I am hoping to be on my own by the end of the month. Mind you, where I am currently living is great, but in order to maintain good friendships and not have this relationship with Hubby turn into WWIII, I know this is best. Work has been progressing and I have managed to only run off one out of four trainees...not a bad record. Even the dude I've been crushing on for the past few months has even given me a little attention here and there. (Mind you...it is a just friends kind of thing) Overall, I see the holding pattern of my life starting to break. I am quite pleased, but also scared shit-less of change. I am scared of no longer having the safety net to catch me. I'm a big girl now, though....time to pull up my big girl panties and face reality. Funny thing is, reality is proving to be less scary the more I just live it. Fear is the mind-killer and I must decide to no longer live my life in fear. This has been my main focus these past few months or so. I am trying to keep my heart open, but that is proving to be the most difficult thing. You see....My mother has this habit of watching the Hallmark Channel. Mostly when I am there. I swear if I see another "heartfelt" tear-jerking debacle of a movie I am gonna hurl the remote at the TV. I am of the opinion that these producers and writers sit down and say to each other..."Hmm...let's see how quickly, how hard, and how continuously we can make our audience cry...then let's dial it up a few notches."
I hate it it. Seriously, I spend time watching it and the entire time I am thinking,
"Are you f-ing kidding me? Love...shit...LIFE does not work like that. This is such bullshit...oh crap...oh no...shit. I'm crying again. Damn. Why do I get sucked in? Love doesn't just happen like that...oh look...now he's gonna proclaim his love for her and...gag me...why don't they both just get their head out of their asses and not let this bullshit get to them...oh no...now she's doing something incredibly sweet and he's falling for it. ...If I did something like that, I'd get arrested for stalking....oh and I don't want to even hear about how hard it is to date when you look like a fucking supermodel cuz you're an actress! Ugh...oh no...oh...stop it, Stacy...stop the damn bawling....look Jocy's laughing at you again. Just fucking great...If only telling a dude how you felt actually worked instead of making them run away like their pants are on fire....Is it over yet?...I need to get out of here...NOW."
And so on...
It's like a car accident on the side of the road...it's terrible and you know it, but you can't...stop...looking. I also hate the fact that I am losing faith in the power of love. I used to think think love could make everything okay, and if you loved someone enough, that was all that was needed. Now, I watch these movies and spend the time warding off thoughts about how impossible these movies really are in the real world. I feel all cynical and shit and it actually bothers me. I don't want to be negative...I want to be optimistic and it fights with this newly found hatred for anything involving love or romance. I see people kissing and I want to pour a pitcher of ice water over their heads. I see a wedding and start to make bets with myself on how long it will last. *SIGH* I think this is a phase and it will pass....probably like a kidney stone...bloody and painful. Wow . THAT just got hugely depressive there. Sorry about that....but that IS how my brain works in Hyperspace...
No comments:
Post a Comment